September 16, 2005

DISCLAIMER:  I have only told this to one person, my therapist.

On Saturday, September 17, 2005, I made a very important decision.  Before I came to the decision let me tell you how the day before happened for me.

I woke up for work and started all of my early morning routines.  I knew this day would be the last day I would go to work.  I had come up with a plan to end my life.  I knew I had to go about my day as normal as possible.  In order for me to do what I planned to do, I had to start my day off with a drink (vodka straight).  It was then time for me to go to work so I put my drink in my purse and I went to work.  Time was going by so slowly and every hour seemed to last for days.  Towards the end of the day, I realized that I had drank almost a 5th of vodka at work.  I knew drinking wouldn't get me drunk because my body was so used to it but the drinking would get my prepared for my night.  My plans for the night included going to the club alone and having a lot of drinks. 

My plan was going on accordingly.  A little before midnight I ordered my final drink, vodka on the rocks.  I walked back to the car and picked up the phone so that I can say my final Good Byes.  I only had 2 people on my list to call, Brooke and my mom.  I called Brooke and surprisingly she didn't answer.  So I called my mom and her phone was busy.  I remember thinking to myself, I didn't plan on this happening.  Instead of panicking, I decided just to leave a letter so when I was found the people I loved and loved me would know why I had to do this.  The letter read:
 
             Dear Family & Friends,

            It is now 12:43am on September 17, 2005. I'm writing this letter to you to tell you how much I love you all.     I hope you understand that I am just not strong enough to deal with all of the bad memories of my life.  On September 16, 2005, I did everything I wanted and needed to do.  My plan was not to burden you all with my problems.  I want you all to know that this has nothing to do with any of you.  I am doing this for myself.

As you read the letter, you will notice that it was not signed.  That's because what I realized in that moment of writing the word myself, is that the people reading this letter was no going to see it that way.  They were going to question every conversation we had ever had and look for something in the conversation that had given them some idea as to why they didn't notice the signs. It's exactly what I would have done.  For the first time I had looked at the decision through the eyes of the people I loved.

So instead of driving the car into a tree without a seat belt, to make sure I wouldn't survive the impact, I dropped the pen and started to cry.  I just sat in the car and cried until the sun came up.  I know for sure that God saved me and I think he saved me for this purpose.  When I started this blog I knew I wanted to reveal this secret.  I am supposed to be here.  It is no coincidence that Brooke didn't answer her phone or my mom's line was busy.  It is not coincidence that less than one month after taking my last drink I was pregnant with my daughter.  By the Grace of God, I haven't had a drop to drink since September 16, 2005.  Believe me, it's hard but I can tell you that I am a better me.

My favorite quote is: You grow through what you go through.  I have grown and am growing everyday.

P.S.
I wrote this because people always ask me, "what made you stop drinking?"  
I am proud to say that I go to therapy on a regular basis and my therapist told me something I have always known.  She said sharing is caring.  So I decided to share a little more of me with in hopes of helping someone else. By the way, I still have the letter and I keep it as a reminder of how much I have truly grown.  I keep it to remind myself that I am strong and that I'm not ashamed of my past.  Many people have had the same thoughts and contemplations that I have, they are just not ready to discuss them but they will be!!