A Woman's Worth

I believe women have discarded their worth.  I always have great conversations with my, younger than me, cousins Mallory, Faren and Brittney about relationships.  These young ladies, like my sister, my best friends, Brooke and Shermaine, and myself, really seem to value our worth.  We are loyal friends, girlfriends and wives.  We understand the meaning of the word friend. We are able to have these great conversations because we know and value our own worth.  I know this may make some of the women I know angry but it has to be said.  Why do you feel the need to be with an unavailable man?  He is not available to you by his choice.  He tells you all the things you want to hear because he knows that you have discarded your worth.  I am not judging you but I am curious.  You are a strong woman.  You have and are providing for your children.  You are making your own money and you want to be in love.  I understand.  But please help me understand why you are falling for the man who is unavailable to you.  I am not saying that my relationship is perfect and has not been tested, I know it has, but I am not seeking something or someone in another woman's man.

Trust me I understand falling in love but to fall  in love with an man who is already in a relationship is not only selfish it's wrong.  If you didn't know he was in a relationship and you fell in love, that's different.  But as women, we know the signs and we sometimes ignore because of our pride.  I just want you to know your worth.  If you are holding on to a man who clearly is tied to another woman, you are always going to be the one who is hurt.  He's tied to her because he wants to be.  And he's holding on to you because you have allowed yourself to just hang on.  I want women to understand their worth.  It's not tied into a man, it comes from you.

I love having conversations with all the women in my life because I get to be open and honest about how I feel with each of them.  We don't always agree on everything but we listen and take from the conversation what we think will ultimately help us.  I have learned something from each of the women in my life and what I know for sure is that I am loyal to them.  I have never wanted what they have because I know my worth.  I have always known my worth.  I didn't inherit my worth from a relationship with a man, it was God given and strong woman applied. 

Let's Talk About Sex

I haven't talked about sex.  It's been on my mind lately.  I'm always trying to understand why parents have such a hard time talking to their kids about sex.  I really don't have that problem.  I like talking about sex because I like the education of sex.  When I was younger I never had the "sex talk" with anyone.  I learned about sex through reading novels.  I must admit that is not the best way to learn about sex but it somehow worked for me.  I definitely don't want my kids learning about sex that way nor from their friends.  I was fortunate enough to understand the ups and downs of sex.  Many kids today are not as fortunate to comprehend that.  Kids are having sex much sooner and most times unprotected with multiple partners.  In my opinion, it is because their parents never talked to them about sex.  It's not enough to tell simply tell kids don't have sex.  Face it, they are already having sex by the time you decide to tell them that.  I think parents think that if they talk to their kids about sex then their kids are going to automatically want to experience sex.  The truth is actually the complete opposite, in most cases.  If you have the sex talk with your kids and tell them the truth about sex they are more likely to wait to have sex.  They will not be ashamed to ask you questions if you have an open dialogue.  For me it is not a challenge to talk about sex with my children because I have already opened the dialogue.  Some may ask why are you having the sex talk with your 5 year old.  The answer to that is simple...she was curious.  Now hold up before you go saying that I am promoting sex to a 5 year old listen to this.  Kids are curious, not about the act of sex, but about their bodies.  If your child comes up to you and ask you where babies come from your answer should not be God alone.  They are not asking you how we came to be, they are curious about where exactly did they come from.  At this point the talk should be very simple.  Babies come from sex.  Don't lie but don't you don't have to give them play by play details.  If you are confused about what to say maybe you shouldn't have babies in the first place.

So let's really talk about sex.  If you want to know how sex is defined, look it up.  My truth is...I enjoy sex.  I enjoy everything from foreplay to intercourse.  In my experience, the best sex I have ever has been the time when I have been in deep love with my partner.  It's better when you are in love with someone because you are having sex more intimately.  You are often more open with your partner the more in love the two of you are.  I like having spontaneous sex but I love having sex that is planned.  I mean think about it when you know that it is going to happen you should feel more excited.  The more excited you feel the greater the sex is going to be. You alter your day so that nothing is stressful or tense.  You cook, clean up and put the kids to bed early.  You are prepared to fulfill fantasies and learn new positions.  Everything about sex with someone you love is meaningful and more connected.  You get so into it that nothing else is on your mind.  You feel some kind of burning passion not unlike those sex novels that I read when I was a kid.  You are so focused on the sex that you forget that your day was maybe not so good or that the bills are due and you really don't have enough money.  None of that really matters when you are having that great sex.  You know the kind of sex that R. Kelly sings about.  The sex that makes you want to scream his name and mean it.  That rough kind of sex that makes you want to pull your own hair. HAHA!!

I can talk about sex all day everyday...but I'd rather be having it.

Stay tuned!!!!

Do Not Touch My Hair

For over 10 years now I have worn my hair natural.  Most people didn't know this because I always wore it long and straight.  After I had my first child, I decided to cut all of my hair off.  Family and friends were shocked but eventually got over it.  My transition has been great because I didn't do it because everyone else was doing it, I did because I wanted to.  It was easy for me to transition because I never felt the need to please anyone else when it came to my hair choices.  I really didn't care what anyone said or how they would react.  Having natural hair is like freedom for me.  The problem now is that so many people think that my hair is either a weave or wig.  First of all, my hair is very curly, some would say even nappy.  I call it "naptural".  Recently there has been many celebrity women who have said that they have natural hair under the weaves and wigs.  I would like to see more of them embrace their natural hair more publicly.  Black hair is a billion dollar business and that's a great thing but many black people spend their money on other people's hair.  I'm not judging.  As a matter of fact I often wish I could afford to wear other people's hair sometimes.  But I digress...

I have recently experienced complete strangers, both white and black, invading my personal space by touching my hair.  Just yesterday I slapped a young woman's hand away because she touched my hair.  Not only did she touch my hair but she preceded to tell me that she knew it wasn't my real hair.  I didn't feel the need to go back and forth with this woman but I did tell her that this was my God given hair.  She actually tried to argue with me saying that it couldn't be my hair.  I thought to myself, how could a woman of color not know the difference between the hair on my head and the hair in the store?  I mean hair does not look perfect and I have a headband on.  I mean really, I don't understand.  She continues to have a conversation with her friend about my hair.  They decide that the hair on my head is "good hair" therefore couldn't possibly be all mine.  Now I could have hushed them up by letting them actually run their fingers through my hair but like I said, I don't feel the need to justify my hair to anyone.  The people who know me know just how "naptural" my hair is. 

With white women, my experience has been similar.  They have tried to touch and received the same slap as the black women but they have actually asked questions.  They seem to be more curious about black hair and how we can do so many different things to our hair.  I don't mind telling them that, like our skin hues, our hair comes in many different varieties.  It makes me proud to be a black woman.  Our ability to be chameleons without compromising our ethnicity is one of God's great gifts to us.  I didn't mind almost giving a history lesson because this woman seemed genuiely interested in my hair. 

Well the moral of this blog entry is...DO NOT TOUCH MY HAIR!!  If you want to know if it is God given or store bought...Just Ask!!!

Racism Exists

The other day I was in a big chain store and I experienced the worst kind of racism.  There was a conversation going on with a little boy, about age 6, and his mother, both white.  The conversation played out like this:


Little Boy:  Mom, are all black people crazy, stupid niggers?
The Mom:  Yes, baby most of them!

You can imagine the look of shock and disgust on my face.  I turned around and looked this woman right in the face and told her:

Me:  First of all, you need to teach your child decorum. He needs to know when and where to ask a question.  Second, all black people are not ignorant and at this point you are more of a nigger than any black person standing in this store. 

The Mom:  This was a private conversation.

Me:  The conversation happened loud enough so that everybody in this store can hear you.  The fact that you think it's okay for your child to ask the question and for your response to be yes is perplexing.  I guess you haven't realized that The President is black and he is neither crazy, stupid nor a nigger.  Get your life together.

That was the end of the conversation with this woman.  I kept my cool when I could have easily proved her point about black people.  The next lady that approached her was not as nice as I was.  She was yelling at the woman while this woman stood in a store with a lot of black people.  She didn't seem to care what the woman was saying but the look on her face when I was talking in calm tone seemed to have scared her. 

I didn't want to frighten the woman, I want her to think about what she was teaching her child.  I know for sure the racism is a learned behavior.  Teaching racism to your child is a form of abuse, in my opinion.  I have experienced racism my entire life but I have never let it define me.  I think that white people think that racism no longer exists as it did.  For me and the black people I know, racism is alive and well.  We are discriminated against while driving, while shopping and while working.  It may be more subtle but believe me it's there.  I must admit that some black people think everything is racist but I'm not among them.  I know what racism feels like.  It attempts to cut deep.

President Obama can't change the minds of people who are racist.  The Tea Party exist to promote racism.  If you don't believe that statement, just listen to them speak.  I have learned in my life that people will judge you first on how you look.  The first thing you see is the color of your skin.  My hope for my kids is that they never judge a person until they have had a chance to know them.  I would never teach my children to hate and when you teach a child to hate they become an adult who hates. 

Simply Love

So I have love on my mind.  I have this strong belief in the power of love.  Love is defined as a strong positive emotion of regard and affection.  It's the one thing that every person has in common.  It connects us all despite our racial, cultural, financial or political backgrounds.  I'm in a place in my life where I am focused on keeping a lot of love around me.  I'm not talking about just the love our children or the love of a good man or woman, I'm talking about all love. 

If you have not yet experienced the love of a child, I hope that you have that chance.  A child's love is real all the time.  It's transforming in ways you would never imagine.  It's honesty and it's always there. 

If you haven't experienced the love of good man or woman, I pray that happens for you.  I'm talking about the love the transcends what you thought of  love.  A love that is so connected that you share space even when you are not in the same room.  A love so strong you feel it through your eyes.  A love so classic that you must have been together before this life.  That's some strong love.  A love so deep that it enhances the sex. 

As a girl, I dreamed of what my life would be like.  I dreamed of falling in love with a man, getting married, having two babies, a boy and a girl, and living happily ever after.  Well I have done all of those things except the getting married part, which is a very personal decision.  I believe in the idea of marriage but I don't think I'm at a point where it is right for me.  I have seen marriages that work and unfortunately I have been witness to those that do not.  What I have noticed in the marriages that don't work is some kind of disconnect.  Either someone was simply not ready for the marriage or they are no longer willing to put in the work.  I have been in a relationship for seven years now and the hardest thing is the relationship itself.  It takes so much work for both people involved and if one has decided that they no longer want to participate in the work then the relationship will and can not evolve.

Love is many things.  What it should not be is hard or hurtful.  It should grow and exceed expectations.  It should be thankful and grateful.  Love should be open to possibilities.  It should happen to everyone.  It should breath new life into old things.  It should be light shining so bright that no thing or person can dim it.  If you want it you should speak it into existence.  Don't dream about it, live it.  Love is God's gift to all of us.  Don't be afraid to fall in love because God has already designed the perfect person for you. 

Sometimes

Sometimes my smile hides my sadness. Sometimes my laughter hides my pain. Sometimes my eyes look down. Sometimes my face hides my fears.  Sometimes I'm happy.  Sometimes I'm not.  Sometimes I'm sad.  Sometimes I'm  not.  Sometimes....

There are so many things that go wrong in life.  The economy is messed up and the bills are piling up.  I think people sometimes forget who you are because you present them with someone other than yourself.  Many people lose sight of their true self when they are around other people.  We hide from life when we are not open and honest about life issues and situations.  We walk around with a smile when we really need to cry.  We hide behind our fears when we should embrace and fight through them.  We talk about other people when need to shut the hell up.  We worry about the small things when we shouldn't be worried about anything.  We hope someone will help us when we pretend that we have it all together.  We work hard looking for immediate results when we should just be patient.  We look at what we don't have when we should be thankful for what we do have.

Sometimes I'm sad and I pray.  Sometimes I'm happy and I pray.  Sometimes I feel down and I pray.  Sometimes I laugh and I pray.  Sometimes I smile and I pray because I know who holds my hand.

Bad Job

Have you ever worked at place that treated their employees like you know what?  I'm talking about a job that, no matter how productive you were, treated you like you were the bottom of the barrel and that's where you were going to stay.  I have learned that it doesn't matter how you perform, you are not being judged by what you know, rather by who you know.  Employers no longer give increased salaries to the employee doing the best job instead they choose to give to the person who kisses the most ass.  I worked at a place where the customers loved and some of the employees adored me and I was fired anyway.  They didn't care about my personal situation, they just fired me.  I was out of work for over two months and I learned something from that situation.  I'd like to say that I thank them for firing me because that allowed me to find a better environment to work in but saying thank you to that bank would be a lie.  The bank, like many other jobs, has favorites.  I suspect that race has played a major factor in their favoritism, but that is my opinion.  I'm actually not upset with them (anymore) because I knew just a month into the job that their behavior was suspicious.  I speak for me alone when I say the bank I worked for was and is all about the money, not the people who help generate the money.  Maybe that's business, but to me it's bad business.  Well this is a brief synaposis of my thoughts...more details to come.

September 16, 2005

DISCLAIMER:  I have only told this to one person, my therapist.

On Saturday, September 17, 2005, I made a very important decision.  Before I came to the decision let me tell you how the day before happened for me.

I woke up for work and started all of my early morning routines.  I knew this day would be the last day I would go to work.  I had come up with a plan to end my life.  I knew I had to go about my day as normal as possible.  In order for me to do what I planned to do, I had to start my day off with a drink (vodka straight).  It was then time for me to go to work so I put my drink in my purse and I went to work.  Time was going by so slowly and every hour seemed to last for days.  Towards the end of the day, I realized that I had drank almost a 5th of vodka at work.  I knew drinking wouldn't get me drunk because my body was so used to it but the drinking would get my prepared for my night.  My plans for the night included going to the club alone and having a lot of drinks. 

My plan was going on accordingly.  A little before midnight I ordered my final drink, vodka on the rocks.  I walked back to the car and picked up the phone so that I can say my final Good Byes.  I only had 2 people on my list to call, Brooke and my mom.  I called Brooke and surprisingly she didn't answer.  So I called my mom and her phone was busy.  I remember thinking to myself, I didn't plan on this happening.  Instead of panicking, I decided just to leave a letter so when I was found the people I loved and loved me would know why I had to do this.  The letter read:
 
             Dear Family & Friends,

            It is now 12:43am on September 17, 2005. I'm writing this letter to you to tell you how much I love you all.     I hope you understand that I am just not strong enough to deal with all of the bad memories of my life.  On September 16, 2005, I did everything I wanted and needed to do.  My plan was not to burden you all with my problems.  I want you all to know that this has nothing to do with any of you.  I am doing this for myself.

As you read the letter, you will notice that it was not signed.  That's because what I realized in that moment of writing the word myself, is that the people reading this letter was no going to see it that way.  They were going to question every conversation we had ever had and look for something in the conversation that had given them some idea as to why they didn't notice the signs. It's exactly what I would have done.  For the first time I had looked at the decision through the eyes of the people I loved.

So instead of driving the car into a tree without a seat belt, to make sure I wouldn't survive the impact, I dropped the pen and started to cry.  I just sat in the car and cried until the sun came up.  I know for sure that God saved me and I think he saved me for this purpose.  When I started this blog I knew I wanted to reveal this secret.  I am supposed to be here.  It is no coincidence that Brooke didn't answer her phone or my mom's line was busy.  It is not coincidence that less than one month after taking my last drink I was pregnant with my daughter.  By the Grace of God, I haven't had a drop to drink since September 16, 2005.  Believe me, it's hard but I can tell you that I am a better me.

My favorite quote is: You grow through what you go through.  I have grown and am growing everyday.

P.S.
I wrote this because people always ask me, "what made you stop drinking?"  
I am proud to say that I go to therapy on a regular basis and my therapist told me something I have always known.  She said sharing is caring.  So I decided to share a little more of me with in hopes of helping someone else. By the way, I still have the letter and I keep it as a reminder of how much I have truly grown.  I keep it to remind myself that I am strong and that I'm not ashamed of my past.  Many people have had the same thoughts and contemplations that I have, they are just not ready to discuss them but they will be!!

Guilty of Anger Part 2

I love it when this happens! As Oprah would say, an Aha' moment! The moment when every thought is so clear.  The moment when you find understanding.  The exact moment you feel the growth of your spirit. I love this moment!  I was sitting at my desk reading and listening to the comments about the Casey Anthony verdict.  I realized that my anger had been misplaced.  I was angry because I believed and still do that Casey Anthony had something to do with the death of her child.  That she had made a decision to live her life while her daughter's life was ending.  My anger was at Casey but as I said that anger was misplaced.  I'm focused now.  My anger is aligned with the heinous act of the crime instead of the person who may be behind the crime.  I'm angry that no one cared enough for Caylee to want to know where she was every minute of everyday.  I'm angry that a little girl was found alone, dead in a swamp.  I'm angry that her mother is now celebrating the fact that she found innocent of a crime committed against her own child.  Celebrating, are you serious!!!!  Celebrating your "innocence" while your child, your flesh and blood, your gift from God, is dead.  I'm angry because I understand that defense attorneys are paid to defend their client but they should not rejoice is this tragic death.  A 2-year old child is dead and you decide that it's okay and to cheer about it.  That is not only heartless but it is careless.  I understand that you are happy that you won the case but you are losing the point.  A child, who had no real understanding of what life is, can no longer hug her mother.  She can no longer smile and laugh.  This is not a time to celebrate.  You should have dropped to your knees and prayed for forgiveness.  You should have showed a little humility.  You should have thanked God that you will be able to read your children a bedtime story. You will be able to watch them eat their breakfast.  Instead you celebrate the death of another child.  Yes, I'm angry!!  I'm angry because the only real emotion Casey Anthony showed was when she heard the words NOT GUILTY.  Let me say this...she is guilty of being selfish in the worst way.  I'm not angry because 12 jurors decided to give her freedom.  I'm truly angry because a child is dead. So my Aha' moment was that for every death, there will be anger.  For me, I don't every want to just glance at the picture, I want to make sure I focus on the bigger picture.

Guilty of Anger

As I listened to the words NOT GUILTY leave from the clerk's mouth of the Casey Anthony trial I felt immediate ANGER.  I was angry that someone who presented herself as guilty could be found not guilty of killing a child, her child.  After feeling the overwhelming emotion of anger, I begin to think about my children.  I begin to think about the kind of person who would do this to a child.  I mean think about it; you have sex with a man.  You find out that you are going to be a mother.  You begin to tell your family and friends how excited you are about becoming a mom for the first time.  You hear the heartbeat for the first time.  Then the baby starts to move inside of you.  It is becoming more and more clear that you are going to be a parent.

The time has now come for the baby to arrive in this world.  You go through the joy and pains of labor.  You give birth and hold your child for the first time.  You are a mother.  You start to bond with your baby through feedings and diaper changes.  Your child is getting older and then all of a sudden you realize you're a young woman who wants to party.  What do you do?

YOU DON'T LET YOUR CHILD GO MISSING FOR 31 DAYS BEFORE REPORTING IT TO THE POLICE.

There are so many options for you.  You should be responsible enough to know that your child is more important than hanging out with your friends.  If they are your friends they will understand.  If you are somehow not that responsible, you tell someone.  There are plenty of people in the world that would do anything to be a parent.  I'm sure you have members in your family who would love to take your child and raise your child in a healthy and happy place.

YOU DON'T KILL YOUR CHILD THEN BEGIN TO LIVE "THE GOOD LIFE".

I know for sure that situations like this make me appreciate my children so much.  I love all children and to see this happen to just one child makes me ANGRY.

If you have children, want children or if you are around children, hug them and tell them how much you love them.

Because Love Isn't Enough

It didn't work...now what?  You thought you had this whole relationship thing figured out?  You cooked, you cleaned, you take care of the kids, you worked a full-time job, you went to school and you had sex with him 5 nights a week.  You thought you were doing a great job at this relationship thing.  Well that wasn't enough.  Sure you loved him so much that you didn't complain about doing all those things.  You loved him enough that you didn't say anything when it became too much for you.  You loved him so much that you forgot to love you. 

Women think that in order to be a good woman you have to be everything to everybody.  NEWSFLASH:  There is so much power in the word NO.  It's a small word that is so hard to say especially if you love someone.  You don't want anyone to talk about you. You don't want anyone to leave you. You don't want anyone to judge you.  Guess what they're already doing all those things.  When you are in a relationship with a man who is sitting around watching you do everything, he's not loving you.  You are giving more of yourself to him than he is to you, that's not love.  I'm not an expert on all relationships but I know something.  I know that a man doesn't love you just for all the things you do for him.  A real man loves you for how you make him feel.  I believe it's true that men and women want the same thing in relationships but we go about it in very different ways.  I'm not a man so I can't speak for them but I can speak for me.  I want someone who HELPS me feel good about myself, not someone who MAKES feel good about myself.  I want a man who is WILLING to support me, not who HAS to support me.  I want a man who SHOWS me that he loves me, not a man who only TELLS me that he loves me.  I want to give him everything that he needs from me, not feel an obligation.  I am in a very fulfilling relationship with a man who shows me how he feels about me everyday.  Yes we have had our ups and downs but we have grown through them both individually and collectively.  We are no longer afraid to make mistakes because we know that we have each other to help grow from them.  We don't have to do those immature things that people do in relationships.  We also don't have to talk about how good it is to everybody.  We keep our relationship to ourselves because to many people give you their opinion and disguises it as advice.  Yes we love each other but love isn't enough.  You need a lot more than love to sustain a happy and healthy relationship.  If you ask people that have been married for 50 years or more they will tell you that you need to like your partner and you need to be friends.  If you no longer like them than you are no longer in a relationship, you are going through the motions. 

Make sure you are growing from your relationship.  Make sure you are building something together.  Make sure you like each other.  Make sure you are friends.  Make sure you are committed to each other.  Make sure you are learning from each other.  Make sure you are listening to each other.  Make sure you trust each other.  Make sure you are praying for each other.  Do all these these things and more because love isn't enough.