SECRET...REVEALED

I have finally been able to free myself of a secret that I kept from my parents for 21 years.  It was not easy to walk in the room and tell my parents that when I was 11 years old I was molested.  In fact, it took me 21 years to build up the courage to free myself.  There were many reasons for me finally revealing a secret that was made my life almost a living hell.  I wanted to live my most authentic life and holding the secret had disabled that.  I think that my molester held this power over me through his death.  I was literally afraid of telling my parents because I didn't want them to feel like what happened to me was somehow their fault.  For many years of my life, I actually believed what this evil person told me.  His words kept my mouth closed and my life still.  I believed him when he said that he would kill me.  I believed him when he said my parents wouldn't believe me.  I believed him when he said if I told I would destroy lives.  At 11 years old, I believed him because then I loved him.

I am finally free to tell my truth.  To tell you that I was a victim of sexual abuse doesn't even begin to tell my story.  It may give you a glimpse of who I am but it doesn't tell you who I am.  I used to be a little girl with dreams of becoming a lawyer and living a life free of financial burdens.  I wanted to help people with their problems and I loved to talk.  I had everything figured out at a very early age.  I wanted to go to college on a full scholarship and pass the BAR by the age of 23.  I was going to start my own law firm at 24 years old and own my home at 25.  I had life figured out.  You are probably wondering how in the world could a girl have everything figured out.  The answer is simple...Clair Huxtable.

Unfortunately for me, those dreams died the day I was molested by a man (who shall remain nameless) that I loved.  I want you to know that there was no sexual intercourse involved but that is neither here nor there.  The abuse changed the course of my life forever.  That start of the day was a typical day.  I went over to his house to play like I had done so many times before.  He always let me play outside as long as I wanted to.  After playing outside and having snacks throughout the day, it was time for my favorite show at the time...Jeopardy.  I remember him saying, " come over here and sit on my lap so we can watch our favorite show."  The idea of sitting on his lap was not unusual because for as long as I can remember I would sit on his lap.  But on this day it was different.  It's funny because I felt the difference right away but I couldn't quit put my finger on it.  What happened next changed my life forever.  I remember feeling something hard touching my bottom so I jumped up but he quickly pulled me back down.  I tried to fight but of course he was stronger than I was.  I tried to scream but his hands muffled my mouth.  He whispered to me, "if you scream, I will kill you."  Imagine just for a moment being 11 years old and having someone you love threatening to kill you.  I did as I was told and he continued to do what he was doing.  Although I had clothes on, I could feel this something hard entering me.  I know it sounds weird but I felt like I was outside of myself.  I don't even know how long this went on but I seemed like hours.  After kicking and moving, I was finally free from his grasp.  I ran out the door and to my grandparents house and I never went there again.  I didn't tell anyone what happened to me until years later.

When I was 16 years old, I remember seeing his face and every memory that I had somehow shoved away came rushing back.  I started drinking just to try and forget about the pain of that day.  I was losing myself.  For the next 6 years of my life, I was a highly functional alcoholic.  What most people don't know is that I literally drank everyday because my body needed it.  I played sports, I worked at the store and I hid it very well.  I went to college and I remember my best friend, Brooke, telling me that she thought I had a serious problem.  I knew that she knew a little something about my problem but I didn't know the extent of what she knew.  At the time, I didn't care.  My turning point came when I decided that I could no longer live the life I was living.  I made a plan to end my life to stop all the pain that was going on inside of me.  (See Blog Post entitled September 16, 2005)

Today, I am over 6 years sober and I know that God has his hands on me.  I finally told my parents about what happened to me 21 years ago.  Their reaction has given me a brand new outlook on life.  I realize just how much my parents love me.  Of course, they believed me and they wished I had told them when it happened but they said they now understand why I am the way I am.  The outspoken yet quiet child.  The child who always has a strong opinion and will always stand by that opinion.  The child who has lived her own life without making any apologies about it.  The strong child that has grown up to be the mother who talks to her kids about the hard things.  They understand that my life is the way it is because I carried the burden of that awful secret all alone. I don't want people to feel sorry for me.  I have always wanted to share my story to help others to not go through what I have been through.  I want parents to talk to their kids about the hard stuff to save them from the pain that I have gone through.  I want people to be able to ask me questions about my situation and how I've made it through.  I want to start a conversation that will surely help someone else.  I don't want my story to be the story of you or your kids.  I want to speak to people about the pain as well as the breakthrough.  I want to LIVE my authentic life.

IF YOU OR ANYBODY YOU KNOW HAS BEEN A VICTIM OF SEXUAL ABUSE, PLEASE VISIT www.rainn.org OR CALL 1.800.656.HOPE(4673)

Education for Parents

I recently had the opportunity to sit down with my daughter's teacher and talk to her about the education of my daughter.  I was so happy, though not surprised, to hear that my daughter was doing really well in school.  My daughter has always been very attentive and that has definitely extended to her education.  I would love to say thank you to the teachers that has helped to shape my child's learning ability.  The truth is she is in Kindergarten and I know that whatever she learns now will determine what and how she learns for the rest of her life.

Although teachers have helped to guide my child's education, I have to say that her father and I have always taught her the things that she knows.  I believe that if parents are a greater part of their child's education, then the child will have a greater chance of being a very successful adult.  When I was a child I loved to learn but I wanted it to come easy.  As an adult, I can name every single teacher that taught me from Headstart through Senior year.  Unfortunately for me, knowing all my teacher's name wasn't enough for me to become a teacher in a classroom.  Instead I'm a teacher to my children.  I'm their first teacher.  As I sat in this Parent/Teacher meeting to get an update about how my 5 year old was handling her first year in "big school", I looked around and the room was practically empty.  There were only six parents in the room including myself.  For me, this was a very important meeting.  The teacher was giving us an update on our kids progress.  She also wanted to tell us what to expect in the next three months and what we can do to aid in our child's education.

After the meeting I started thinking about the parents who had missed out on this meeting.  I thought to myself, what can be more important than this.  For me, I wouldn't have missed this meeting and if I had to, I would have found a substitute for me.  I'm not judging anybody but as parents we have to do much better as educators of our kids.  I want more for my children than I have.  I want them to be better through education.  I know that teachers can not do it alone.  It pains me to know that some parents care more about athletics than education; they care more about going party than participating in their child's education.  Than they wonder why their kids can't spell their own name or count to 10.  I'm not saying don't care about the other things but life should have some balance with education leading the pack.  I understand that some parents are busy, hell I have a full time job 45 minutes from home, but you can still have balance.  My daughter can read and even write a small story and she is 5 years old.  She knows her numbers to 100 and the sounds of the alphabet.  She knows her shapes and how to draw pictures.  She has manners and loves to play with her brother and teach him everything she knows.  She is a smart and beautiful little girl and her father and I and our families deserve some of the credit. 

I had an epiphany after the parent meeting.  Since I have become a parent, I thought my life had been boring.  For the past 5 years I have basically been with my kids.  I don't go clubbing (by my choice).  I haven't really done anything without my kids, except the occasional R. Kelly concert.  I literally thought I was such a bore.  What I realized is that I have invested my life in my children's future.  I have made decisions to stay in and teach them rather than hanging out and partying.  What I know for sure is that I have put my kids' education above my own social life because I truly want more for them than I have.  This is not about putting parents down for not attending a parent meeting.  This is about opening your eyes to see that your kid's future depend on what you do right now.  I'm saying that your participation in their education gives them confidence to want to do better in school.  They are paying attention to everything you do, say and care about.  You can change the direction of their life if you participate in their education.  If you think going to a Parent/Teacher meeting is not important, think again.  If you think reading them a book or helping them write their names is not important, think again.  If you think listening to your kids tell a story or read a book is not important, think again.  If you think wanting better for your kids is not important, think again.  You are your child's first and most important teacher.  They want you to guide them in the right direction.  They need you to be tough on them when it comes to their education.  You have to teach them more than what they learn at school so that they can be ready for this thing called life.  I know this sounds cliche' but the kids are truly the future.  If you don't want to be a roadblock to their success, then you need to drive the education car of their lives.

PARENTS & EDUCATION MAKE A DIFFERENCE!!!

Disgusted

I am so disgusted about the madness going on at Penn State.  People are rioting the fact that Joe Paterno, Head Football Coach at the University, was unfairly fired.  I would have to agree with that...he should have been fired as soon as officials became aware of what happened right under his nose and with his knowledge for years.  Joe Paterno is not the only person to blame in this case.  Many people knew what was going on and did absolutely nothing to stop this from going on. The following is an alleged chronological order of events as reported by the Associated Press:

{1969: Jerry Sandusky starts his coaching career at Penn State University as a defensive line coach.

1977: Jerry Sandusky founds The Second Mile. It begins as a group foster home dedicated to helping troubled boys and grows into a charity dedicated to helping children with absent or dysfunctional families.

January 1983: Associated Press voters select Penn State as college football's national champion for the 1982 season.

January 1987: Associated Press voters select Penn State as college football's national champion for the 1986 season.

1994: Boy known as Victim 7 in the report meets Sandusky through The Second Mile program at about the age of 10.

1994-95: Boy known as Victim 6 meets Sandusky at a Second Mile picnic at Spring Creek Park when he is 7 or 8 years old.

1995-96: Boy known as Victim 5, meets Sandusky through The Second Mile when he is 7 or 8, in second or third grade.

1996-97: Boy known as Victim 4, at the age of 12 or 13, meets Sandusky while he is in his second year participating in The Second Mile program.

1996-98: Victim 5 is taken to the locker rooms and showers at Penn State by Sandusky when he is 8 to 10 years old.

Jan. 1, 1998: Victim 4 is listed, along with Sandusky's wife, as a member of Sandusky's family party for the 1998 Outback Bowl.

1998: Victim 6 is taken into the locker rooms and showers when he is 11 years old. When Victim 6 is dropped off at home, his hair is wet from showering with Sandusky. His mother reports the incident to the university police, who investigate.

Detective Ronald Schreffler testifies that he and State College Police Department Detective Ralph Ralston, with the consent of the mother of Victim 6, eavesdrop on two conversations the mother of Victim 6 has with Sandusky. Sandusky says he has showered with other boys and Victim 6's mother tries to make Sandusky promise never to shower with a boy again but he will not. At the end of the second conversation, after Sandusky is told he cannot see Victim 6 anymore, Schreffler testifies Sandusky says, ''I understand. I was wrong. I wish I could get forgiveness. I know I won't get it from you. I wish I were dead.''

Jerry Lauro, an investigator with the Pennsylvania Department of Public Welfare, testifies he and Schreffler interviewed Sandusky, and that Sandusky admits showering naked with Victim 6, admits to hugging Victim 6 while in the shower and admits that it was wrong.

The case is closed after then-Centre County District Attorney Ray Gricar decides there will be no criminal charge.

June 1999: Sandusky retires from Penn State but still holds emeritus status.

Dec. 28, 1999: Victim 4 is listed, along with Sandusky's wife, as a member of Sandusky's family party for the 1999 Alamo Bowl.

Summer 2000: Boy known as Victim 3 meets Sandusky through The Second Mile when he is between seventh and eighth grade.

Fall 2000: A janitor named James Calhoun observes Sandusky in the showers of the Lasch Football Building with a young boy, known as Victim 8, pinned up against the wall, performing oral sex on the boy. He tells other janitorial staff immediately. Fellow Office of Physical Plant employee Ronald Petrosky cleans the showers at Lasch and sees Sandusky and the boy, who he describes as being between the ages of 11 and 13.

March 1, 2002: A Penn State graduate assistant enters the locker room at the Lasch Football Building. In the showers, he sees a naked boy, known as Victim 2, whose age he estimates to be 10 years old, being subjected to anal intercourse by a naked Sandusky. The graduate assistant tells his father immediately.

March 2, 2002: In the morning, the graduate assistant calls Coach Joe Paterno and goes to Paterno's home, where he reports what he has seen.

March 3, 2002: Paterno calls Tim Curley, Penn State Athletic Director to his home the next day and reports a version of what the grad assistant had said.

March 2002: Later in the month the graduate assistant is called to a meeting with Curley and Senior Vice President for Finance and Business Gary Schultz. The grad assistant reports what he has seen and Curley and Schultz say they will look into it.

March 27, 2002 (approximate): The graduate assistant hears from Curley. He is told that Sandusky's locker room keys are taken away and that the incident has been reported to The Second Mile. The graduate assistant is never questioned by university police and no other entity conducts an investigation until the graduate assistant testifies in Grand Jury in December 2010.

2005-06: Boy known as Victim 1 says that meets Sandusky through The Second Mile at age 11 or 12.

Spring 2007: During the 2007 track season, Sandusky begins spending time with Victim 1 weekly, having him stay overnight at his residence in College Township, Pa.

Spring 2008: Termination of contact with Victim 1 occurs when he is a freshman in a Clinton County high school. After the boy's mother calls the school to report sexual assault, Sandusky is barred from the school district attended by Victim 1 from that day forward and the matter is reported to authorities as mandated by law.

Early 2009: An investigation by the Pennsylvania attorney general begins when a Clinton County, Pa. teen boy tells authorities that Sandusky has inappropriately touched him several times over a four-year period.

September 2010: Sandusky retires from day-to-day involvement with The Second Mile, saying he wants to spend more time with family and handle personal matters.

Nov. 5, 2011: Sandusky is arrested and released on $100,000 bail after being arraigned on 40 criminal counts.

Nov. 7, 2011: Pennsylvania Attorney General Linda Kelly says Paterno is not a target of the investigation into how the school handled the accusations. But she refuses to say the same for university President Graham Spanier. Curley and Schultz, who have stepped down from their positions, surrender on charges that they failed to alert police to complaints against Sandusky.

Nov. 8, 2011: Possible ninth victim of Sandusky contacts state police as calls for ouster of Paterno and Spanier grow in state and beyond. Penn State abruptly cancels Paterno's regular weekly press conference.

Nov. 9, 2011: Paterno and Spanier, one of the nation's longest-serving college presidents, are ousted, effective immediately. Earlier in the day, Paterno announced he'd retire at the end of the season. In the end, he didn't have that choice.}**

This is the most disturbing piece of information.  I can only imagine how many of kids didn't tell anybody what was going on out of fear.  These kids were not protected.  Instead every adult involved in this entire mess protected the predator.  He sexually abused little boys that he was suppose to help to be better men.  And while this was going on, he was allowed to be participate in a charity that kept bringing little boys around him so that he can victimize.  Everyone involved failed these kids in the worst way.

I don't know any of these people but I do know they entertained a man who continued to abuse little boys and they knew exactly what he was and had been doing for years.  They hold as much blame as the Predator because they could have stopped countless children from enduring this life long pain.  These kids trusted this man and the adults in their lives and they were betrayed in the worst way.  On top of being victims of sexual abuse, they now have to live knowing that more people care about the coach, that knew what was going and said nothing, than they care about what happened to forever change the course of their lives. 

The sad thing is we all know someone who is or has been a victim of child sexual abuse and most of us have done nothing to help the kids.  We sit in our homes and say absolutely nothing when we know that abuse is going on against a child.  Instead of saying something to protect the kids, we say nothing and protect these vicious predators.  I am so disgusted by this story but this story is going on in every neighborhood in this country.  If you think you are blameless you couldn't be more wrong.  If you know that adults are having sex with kids and you say nothing, you are a part of the problem of child sexual abuse.  If a child is between the ages of 0-15 years of age they can not legally consent to sex with an adult 17 years or older.  Not only is it a crime, it is also disgusting. 

I know there are plenty of people who will read this and think why I am concerned.  I say to you, these are kids and I have kids.  Kids who will one day become adults and what happens to them as kids will ultimately affect their lives as adults.  My questions to you are...Why are you not concerned? and Are you a part of the problem or will you be the solution?  Saving one child from abuse can save millions.  If you or someone you know is a victim of child sexual abuse please visit www.rainn.org or call 1-800-656-HOPE. You can save the life of a child.

** report by the Associated Press.