As I look back over the past year I have learned more than I was willing to know. At the beginning of this year I was pregnant and miscarried at home shortly after finding out that I would be a mom to another life. After the miscarriage I gave away all or most of the baby items I had. I didn't want the reminder of being pregnant and losing a child lingering in the place I called home. I also had time to reflect on my life. What I realized about my life was that I never really lived it.
The reflection of who I am has never really been who I felt I should be. I was beginning to understand that my entire existence was a complete fraud. I had somehow became an unwilling participant in my own life. I remember from the time I was a little girl that I was just a shadow of my older sister. I always tell the story of how my mom dressed me like her until I was in at least 4th grade. My sister is 4 years older than me so there was absolutely no reason for us to dress alike. That, however, was my existence. The shadow of someone better than me. Even as a grew older I was always called her little sister. And even now when i see people who I haven't seen or spoken to in a while they still ask about her first. For so long I tried to locate the person who I really am. At 11 years old, things for me was worst because I was molested, and managed to keep it a secret for many years. My whole life has been a shell of what I think it should be.
Everything about my life is a shadow except my children. I have always wanted children because I wanted to have someone in my life that would love me just for me. I have never felt loved until I had my kids. I know for some people that will be a shock to know but for me it has been my truth.
I had always been her little sister. The fat one. The one who is less smart than her. The non athletic one. The one who would never be her. I was always treated like her shadow. I would never catch up to her. Sadly, that's how I'm still treated. Like I said, I became an unwilling participant in this life. Although I am older with my own kids, I have had a chance to reflect on my life. The only thing that makes me happy is the love my kids give my everyday.
I am constantly judged by those people who claim to love me. I have heard that I'm too fat my entire life. I have heard that my hair needs to look a certain way my entire life. But from my kids, I hear I love you and how I'm the best mom. For me to hear those words from my kids, I have a hard time believing them. Not that I don't believe they love me or think I'm the best mom, it's just they're the only people that tell me. Having been a shadow since the beginning of my own existence, it's hard to understand that someone, especially my own kids, could actually tell me those words and mean them. Truth be told, my kids have been everything since before they were born. Every kick I felt was like feeling love for the first time. Still I feel like an unwilling participant in this journey.
As this year ends and I feel the kicks of this new life, I wonder if I'm raising my kids to be shadows. For me, I don't feel like I am but I'm pretty sure that's the way my parents may have felt. Or maybe not. You see not much has changed between the relationship I have with my sister. She's the one who still gets all the attention from my parents. She's the one who can seemingly do nothing wrong in the eyes of my family. She's the one who can say whatever she wants and no one goes against her. While I'm still very much her shadow. My experience tells me that in the eyes of my family...she's better. When she's around I cease to exist. Everyone sees her. Everyone wants to talk to her. They wonder where she is when she's not around. I used to think that this was all in my head. I thought maybe I had somehow made the shadow up. But this holiday season I was shocked to learn that my 6 year old daughter felt something too.
When my 6 year old asked me, out of the blue, why did everybody love her aunt more than they loved her mommy, I didn't know what to say. I mean I have felt this way my entire life but for her to notice it was like receiving a very hard punch to my stomach. She had no idea that I have felt this way but because kids are often smarter and more observant than adults, she noticed. What was more shocking than her noticing was the fact that it was an accurate observation. I asked her what made her ask me that question and she said, without hesitation, no one even ask you how you're feeling and you're sick. As a mom, I knew that I could not disregard anything she was saying. She even said that her grandmother is always very happy when her aunt comes. It was weird to listen to my 6 year old give examples about the exact things I have felt my entire life and never told a single person. After she expressed her concern, it completely opened my eyes. It became real for me. No longer was it a figment of my imagination as I thought it was my whole life. She noticed. The moment I was alone, I begin to cry. As I cried, I seen my life flash before me. Every emotion I felt was because I had always been the shadow. Now I had to start being me. The crazy part is, I don't know who I am. I know who I want to be but I have always been the shadow.
I know that my kids are helping me to be that person. I am their mom and they love me. They are not a reflection of each other because I have never compared them to one another. I always knew I wanted kids and I knew I wanted to raise my kids differently from the way I felt inside my entire life. I feel that I'm doing a great job of that.
I am a person packed with flaws. I am a person filled with doubt and fear. I am a person who is no longer willing to just be a shadow. I also understand that it will take some time for me to become the person I want to be. I know that my kids are unknowingly helping with that everyday. I don't have people I can easily talk to about what I'm feeling because I know those people are more than willing to judge me. What I do have is kids who will tell me everyday that they love me and that I'm the best mom and now I know that I will believe them.
