SECRET...REVEALED

I have finally been able to free myself of a secret that I kept from my parents for 21 years.  It was not easy to walk in the room and tell my parents that when I was 11 years old I was molested.  In fact, it took me 21 years to build up the courage to free myself.  There were many reasons for me finally revealing a secret that was made my life almost a living hell.  I wanted to live my most authentic life and holding the secret had disabled that.  I think that my molester held this power over me through his death.  I was literally afraid of telling my parents because I didn't want them to feel like what happened to me was somehow their fault.  For many years of my life, I actually believed what this evil person told me.  His words kept my mouth closed and my life still.  I believed him when he said that he would kill me.  I believed him when he said my parents wouldn't believe me.  I believed him when he said if I told I would destroy lives.  At 11 years old, I believed him because then I loved him.

I am finally free to tell my truth.  To tell you that I was a victim of sexual abuse doesn't even begin to tell my story.  It may give you a glimpse of who I am but it doesn't tell you who I am.  I used to be a little girl with dreams of becoming a lawyer and living a life free of financial burdens.  I wanted to help people with their problems and I loved to talk.  I had everything figured out at a very early age.  I wanted to go to college on a full scholarship and pass the BAR by the age of 23.  I was going to start my own law firm at 24 years old and own my home at 25.  I had life figured out.  You are probably wondering how in the world could a girl have everything figured out.  The answer is simple...Clair Huxtable.

Unfortunately for me, those dreams died the day I was molested by a man (who shall remain nameless) that I loved.  I want you to know that there was no sexual intercourse involved but that is neither here nor there.  The abuse changed the course of my life forever.  That start of the day was a typical day.  I went over to his house to play like I had done so many times before.  He always let me play outside as long as I wanted to.  After playing outside and having snacks throughout the day, it was time for my favorite show at the time...Jeopardy.  I remember him saying, " come over here and sit on my lap so we can watch our favorite show."  The idea of sitting on his lap was not unusual because for as long as I can remember I would sit on his lap.  But on this day it was different.  It's funny because I felt the difference right away but I couldn't quit put my finger on it.  What happened next changed my life forever.  I remember feeling something hard touching my bottom so I jumped up but he quickly pulled me back down.  I tried to fight but of course he was stronger than I was.  I tried to scream but his hands muffled my mouth.  He whispered to me, "if you scream, I will kill you."  Imagine just for a moment being 11 years old and having someone you love threatening to kill you.  I did as I was told and he continued to do what he was doing.  Although I had clothes on, I could feel this something hard entering me.  I know it sounds weird but I felt like I was outside of myself.  I don't even know how long this went on but I seemed like hours.  After kicking and moving, I was finally free from his grasp.  I ran out the door and to my grandparents house and I never went there again.  I didn't tell anyone what happened to me until years later.

When I was 16 years old, I remember seeing his face and every memory that I had somehow shoved away came rushing back.  I started drinking just to try and forget about the pain of that day.  I was losing myself.  For the next 6 years of my life, I was a highly functional alcoholic.  What most people don't know is that I literally drank everyday because my body needed it.  I played sports, I worked at the store and I hid it very well.  I went to college and I remember my best friend, Brooke, telling me that she thought I had a serious problem.  I knew that she knew a little something about my problem but I didn't know the extent of what she knew.  At the time, I didn't care.  My turning point came when I decided that I could no longer live the life I was living.  I made a plan to end my life to stop all the pain that was going on inside of me.  (See Blog Post entitled September 16, 2005)

Today, I am over 6 years sober and I know that God has his hands on me.  I finally told my parents about what happened to me 21 years ago.  Their reaction has given me a brand new outlook on life.  I realize just how much my parents love me.  Of course, they believed me and they wished I had told them when it happened but they said they now understand why I am the way I am.  The outspoken yet quiet child.  The child who always has a strong opinion and will always stand by that opinion.  The child who has lived her own life without making any apologies about it.  The strong child that has grown up to be the mother who talks to her kids about the hard things.  They understand that my life is the way it is because I carried the burden of that awful secret all alone. I don't want people to feel sorry for me.  I have always wanted to share my story to help others to not go through what I have been through.  I want parents to talk to their kids about the hard stuff to save them from the pain that I have gone through.  I want people to be able to ask me questions about my situation and how I've made it through.  I want to start a conversation that will surely help someone else.  I don't want my story to be the story of you or your kids.  I want to speak to people about the pain as well as the breakthrough.  I want to LIVE my authentic life.

IF YOU OR ANYBODY YOU KNOW HAS BEEN A VICTIM OF SEXUAL ABUSE, PLEASE VISIT www.rainn.org OR CALL 1.800.656.HOPE(4673)