Sometimes

Sometimes my smile hides my sadness. Sometimes my laughter hides my pain. Sometimes my eyes look down. Sometimes my face hides my fears.  Sometimes I'm happy.  Sometimes I'm not.  Sometimes I'm sad.  Sometimes I'm  not.  Sometimes....

There are so many things that go wrong in life.  The economy is messed up and the bills are piling up.  I think people sometimes forget who you are because you present them with someone other than yourself.  Many people lose sight of their true self when they are around other people.  We hide from life when we are not open and honest about life issues and situations.  We walk around with a smile when we really need to cry.  We hide behind our fears when we should embrace and fight through them.  We talk about other people when need to shut the hell up.  We worry about the small things when we shouldn't be worried about anything.  We hope someone will help us when we pretend that we have it all together.  We work hard looking for immediate results when we should just be patient.  We look at what we don't have when we should be thankful for what we do have.

Sometimes I'm sad and I pray.  Sometimes I'm happy and I pray.  Sometimes I feel down and I pray.  Sometimes I laugh and I pray.  Sometimes I smile and I pray because I know who holds my hand.

Bad Job

Have you ever worked at place that treated their employees like you know what?  I'm talking about a job that, no matter how productive you were, treated you like you were the bottom of the barrel and that's where you were going to stay.  I have learned that it doesn't matter how you perform, you are not being judged by what you know, rather by who you know.  Employers no longer give increased salaries to the employee doing the best job instead they choose to give to the person who kisses the most ass.  I worked at a place where the customers loved and some of the employees adored me and I was fired anyway.  They didn't care about my personal situation, they just fired me.  I was out of work for over two months and I learned something from that situation.  I'd like to say that I thank them for firing me because that allowed me to find a better environment to work in but saying thank you to that bank would be a lie.  The bank, like many other jobs, has favorites.  I suspect that race has played a major factor in their favoritism, but that is my opinion.  I'm actually not upset with them (anymore) because I knew just a month into the job that their behavior was suspicious.  I speak for me alone when I say the bank I worked for was and is all about the money, not the people who help generate the money.  Maybe that's business, but to me it's bad business.  Well this is a brief synaposis of my thoughts...more details to come.

September 16, 2005

DISCLAIMER:  I have only told this to one person, my therapist.

On Saturday, September 17, 2005, I made a very important decision.  Before I came to the decision let me tell you how the day before happened for me.

I woke up for work and started all of my early morning routines.  I knew this day would be the last day I would go to work.  I had come up with a plan to end my life.  I knew I had to go about my day as normal as possible.  In order for me to do what I planned to do, I had to start my day off with a drink (vodka straight).  It was then time for me to go to work so I put my drink in my purse and I went to work.  Time was going by so slowly and every hour seemed to last for days.  Towards the end of the day, I realized that I had drank almost a 5th of vodka at work.  I knew drinking wouldn't get me drunk because my body was so used to it but the drinking would get my prepared for my night.  My plans for the night included going to the club alone and having a lot of drinks. 

My plan was going on accordingly.  A little before midnight I ordered my final drink, vodka on the rocks.  I walked back to the car and picked up the phone so that I can say my final Good Byes.  I only had 2 people on my list to call, Brooke and my mom.  I called Brooke and surprisingly she didn't answer.  So I called my mom and her phone was busy.  I remember thinking to myself, I didn't plan on this happening.  Instead of panicking, I decided just to leave a letter so when I was found the people I loved and loved me would know why I had to do this.  The letter read:
 
             Dear Family & Friends,

            It is now 12:43am on September 17, 2005. I'm writing this letter to you to tell you how much I love you all.     I hope you understand that I am just not strong enough to deal with all of the bad memories of my life.  On September 16, 2005, I did everything I wanted and needed to do.  My plan was not to burden you all with my problems.  I want you all to know that this has nothing to do with any of you.  I am doing this for myself.

As you read the letter, you will notice that it was not signed.  That's because what I realized in that moment of writing the word myself, is that the people reading this letter was no going to see it that way.  They were going to question every conversation we had ever had and look for something in the conversation that had given them some idea as to why they didn't notice the signs. It's exactly what I would have done.  For the first time I had looked at the decision through the eyes of the people I loved.

So instead of driving the car into a tree without a seat belt, to make sure I wouldn't survive the impact, I dropped the pen and started to cry.  I just sat in the car and cried until the sun came up.  I know for sure that God saved me and I think he saved me for this purpose.  When I started this blog I knew I wanted to reveal this secret.  I am supposed to be here.  It is no coincidence that Brooke didn't answer her phone or my mom's line was busy.  It is not coincidence that less than one month after taking my last drink I was pregnant with my daughter.  By the Grace of God, I haven't had a drop to drink since September 16, 2005.  Believe me, it's hard but I can tell you that I am a better me.

My favorite quote is: You grow through what you go through.  I have grown and am growing everyday.

P.S.
I wrote this because people always ask me, "what made you stop drinking?"  
I am proud to say that I go to therapy on a regular basis and my therapist told me something I have always known.  She said sharing is caring.  So I decided to share a little more of me with in hopes of helping someone else. By the way, I still have the letter and I keep it as a reminder of how much I have truly grown.  I keep it to remind myself that I am strong and that I'm not ashamed of my past.  Many people have had the same thoughts and contemplations that I have, they are just not ready to discuss them but they will be!!

Guilty of Anger Part 2

I love it when this happens! As Oprah would say, an Aha' moment! The moment when every thought is so clear.  The moment when you find understanding.  The exact moment you feel the growth of your spirit. I love this moment!  I was sitting at my desk reading and listening to the comments about the Casey Anthony verdict.  I realized that my anger had been misplaced.  I was angry because I believed and still do that Casey Anthony had something to do with the death of her child.  That she had made a decision to live her life while her daughter's life was ending.  My anger was at Casey but as I said that anger was misplaced.  I'm focused now.  My anger is aligned with the heinous act of the crime instead of the person who may be behind the crime.  I'm angry that no one cared enough for Caylee to want to know where she was every minute of everyday.  I'm angry that a little girl was found alone, dead in a swamp.  I'm angry that her mother is now celebrating the fact that she found innocent of a crime committed against her own child.  Celebrating, are you serious!!!!  Celebrating your "innocence" while your child, your flesh and blood, your gift from God, is dead.  I'm angry because I understand that defense attorneys are paid to defend their client but they should not rejoice is this tragic death.  A 2-year old child is dead and you decide that it's okay and to cheer about it.  That is not only heartless but it is careless.  I understand that you are happy that you won the case but you are losing the point.  A child, who had no real understanding of what life is, can no longer hug her mother.  She can no longer smile and laugh.  This is not a time to celebrate.  You should have dropped to your knees and prayed for forgiveness.  You should have showed a little humility.  You should have thanked God that you will be able to read your children a bedtime story. You will be able to watch them eat their breakfast.  Instead you celebrate the death of another child.  Yes, I'm angry!!  I'm angry because the only real emotion Casey Anthony showed was when she heard the words NOT GUILTY.  Let me say this...she is guilty of being selfish in the worst way.  I'm not angry because 12 jurors decided to give her freedom.  I'm truly angry because a child is dead. So my Aha' moment was that for every death, there will be anger.  For me, I don't every want to just glance at the picture, I want to make sure I focus on the bigger picture.

Guilty of Anger

As I listened to the words NOT GUILTY leave from the clerk's mouth of the Casey Anthony trial I felt immediate ANGER.  I was angry that someone who presented herself as guilty could be found not guilty of killing a child, her child.  After feeling the overwhelming emotion of anger, I begin to think about my children.  I begin to think about the kind of person who would do this to a child.  I mean think about it; you have sex with a man.  You find out that you are going to be a mother.  You begin to tell your family and friends how excited you are about becoming a mom for the first time.  You hear the heartbeat for the first time.  Then the baby starts to move inside of you.  It is becoming more and more clear that you are going to be a parent.

The time has now come for the baby to arrive in this world.  You go through the joy and pains of labor.  You give birth and hold your child for the first time.  You are a mother.  You start to bond with your baby through feedings and diaper changes.  Your child is getting older and then all of a sudden you realize you're a young woman who wants to party.  What do you do?

YOU DON'T LET YOUR CHILD GO MISSING FOR 31 DAYS BEFORE REPORTING IT TO THE POLICE.

There are so many options for you.  You should be responsible enough to know that your child is more important than hanging out with your friends.  If they are your friends they will understand.  If you are somehow not that responsible, you tell someone.  There are plenty of people in the world that would do anything to be a parent.  I'm sure you have members in your family who would love to take your child and raise your child in a healthy and happy place.

YOU DON'T KILL YOUR CHILD THEN BEGIN TO LIVE "THE GOOD LIFE".

I know for sure that situations like this make me appreciate my children so much.  I love all children and to see this happen to just one child makes me ANGRY.

If you have children, want children or if you are around children, hug them and tell them how much you love them.

Because Love Isn't Enough

It didn't work...now what?  You thought you had this whole relationship thing figured out?  You cooked, you cleaned, you take care of the kids, you worked a full-time job, you went to school and you had sex with him 5 nights a week.  You thought you were doing a great job at this relationship thing.  Well that wasn't enough.  Sure you loved him so much that you didn't complain about doing all those things.  You loved him enough that you didn't say anything when it became too much for you.  You loved him so much that you forgot to love you. 

Women think that in order to be a good woman you have to be everything to everybody.  NEWSFLASH:  There is so much power in the word NO.  It's a small word that is so hard to say especially if you love someone.  You don't want anyone to talk about you. You don't want anyone to leave you. You don't want anyone to judge you.  Guess what they're already doing all those things.  When you are in a relationship with a man who is sitting around watching you do everything, he's not loving you.  You are giving more of yourself to him than he is to you, that's not love.  I'm not an expert on all relationships but I know something.  I know that a man doesn't love you just for all the things you do for him.  A real man loves you for how you make him feel.  I believe it's true that men and women want the same thing in relationships but we go about it in very different ways.  I'm not a man so I can't speak for them but I can speak for me.  I want someone who HELPS me feel good about myself, not someone who MAKES feel good about myself.  I want a man who is WILLING to support me, not who HAS to support me.  I want a man who SHOWS me that he loves me, not a man who only TELLS me that he loves me.  I want to give him everything that he needs from me, not feel an obligation.  I am in a very fulfilling relationship with a man who shows me how he feels about me everyday.  Yes we have had our ups and downs but we have grown through them both individually and collectively.  We are no longer afraid to make mistakes because we know that we have each other to help grow from them.  We don't have to do those immature things that people do in relationships.  We also don't have to talk about how good it is to everybody.  We keep our relationship to ourselves because to many people give you their opinion and disguises it as advice.  Yes we love each other but love isn't enough.  You need a lot more than love to sustain a happy and healthy relationship.  If you ask people that have been married for 50 years or more they will tell you that you need to like your partner and you need to be friends.  If you no longer like them than you are no longer in a relationship, you are going through the motions. 

Make sure you are growing from your relationship.  Make sure you are building something together.  Make sure you like each other.  Make sure you are friends.  Make sure you are committed to each other.  Make sure you are learning from each other.  Make sure you are listening to each other.  Make sure you trust each other.  Make sure you are praying for each other.  Do all these these things and more because love isn't enough.

Love Fantasy Reality

Have you ever been so involved in someone that you didn't realize they weren't involved with you?  I know I'm not the only person that has loved someone so deeply that I let my identity fade.  When I was very young I loved a boy. (The keyword here is boy.)  I thought the sun set and rose when he spoke.  This guy was everything I wanted in a boyfriend.  He was from out of town, he was popular with the neighborhood and he was really cute.  You know all the things you really want in a boy at that age.  He approached me, so that was an added bonus.  I remember feeling like this is the guy I will marry.  You know that fairytale wedding you see in the movies.  The white picket fence.  The two kids and a dog fairytale.  We had a relationship built on trust.  We had to have that kind of relationship because we lived in two different states.  We'd talk on the phone so much that I would hide the phone bills when they came because, of course,  I always called him.  Oh this guy was the love of my life.  He always told me how much he loved me and I felt that he did.  He said that we would have the life that I dreamed of.  I did I mention those kisses. Oh my goodness, those kisses!!!  Yes this would be the man I would marry and have his kids.  I couldn't even picture my life with anyone else.


Then here comes reality.  Oh reality can be stone cold BITCH!!  I knew in my heart that the person I had seen in my dreams didn't even exist for me.  He wasn't really the guy I envisioned him to be.  He wasn't the guy that had kept all his promises.  He actually broke more promises than I'd care to remember.  He wasn't really faithful to me.  I can go on and on about this guy (and one day I will).  Still I loved this guy.  I loved him because I knew that I had put him so high on a pedestal that if he fell he would crush me.  Well I was crushed.  I will say this, we had really good times together when we were around each other.

Since then, our early teen years, we have moved on with our lives.  Marriage and kids (not with each other) are what we now focus on.  We are distant friends.  We shared a connection once upon a time.  We have grown up, no longer living in dreams.  Our dreams have turned into, for me, a pretty good reality.