Insecurities

I must admit that I have had many insecurities.  It's easy to be insecure when you feel that no one looks at or listens to you.  I have always felt like people didn't really want to know how I was feeling.  Of course , they said they would listen and help but what does that really mean?  It didn't mean anything to me.  I knew that no matter what anybody said or done, my mind was already made up because of the moments of my life that held a broken trust.  My insecurities had consumed the life I planned for myself.  I didn't trust people, including those who were closest to me.  I had my guard so high and to be honest it's just now starting to come down.  The idea of letting people in is scary for me.  There are things about me that are too painful to share.

So for me, my insecurities extend back as far I can remember.  When I was a little girl I felt different.  I mean I grew up with a sister who was older, skinnier, smarter, athletic and had more friends than I did.  I mean growing up in a home where you feel you will always be treated as second best can bring on so many insecurities.  I'm not blaming anyone for my insecurities because they are my feelings about myself.  I am saying that when you are not told you are beautiful or smart, you start to think the worst about yourself.  On top of not being told those things, I was often told that I was fat.  That word is such a small word but it can have the biggest impact on a person, young or old.  My insecurities didn't just one day go away.  In fact, I am still dealing with some of them at this very moment in my life.  The difference now is I am not letting them hold my happiness hostage.  I'm not letting them get in the way of love.  I'm certainly not taking my insecurities out on my children.  I promised myself that when I had children, I would fill them with kisses and hugs.  I would tell them how beautiful and handsome they were.  I would let them know how smart they are so the insecurities I felt would not affect them in the same way they have, for so many years, affected me.  And I do all of those things for my children.

So often we forget that people have feelings that are different from our own.  We think everybody should feel the way we feel about certain situations.  Before you judge someone about how they feel, maybe you should talk to them, they may share insight on why they feel the way they feel.  I'm not ashamed of my feelings of insecurity because I am working through them.  I don't like it when people talk about other people and they have no idea what that person has been through.  I can always tell when a person is insecure with themselves.  They are always talking about other people's insecurities as if they are getting paid.  It's probably true what they say about the loudest person in the room.

I am a stronger woman because of those same insecurities.  For me, some of the insecurities have turned into great blogs.  But if I'm being honest, and I am, I'm the type of person who loves to hear positive things.  I accept constructive criticism if I feel it's coming from a place of love.  I love for someone to tell me that I have helped them with my words.  I like for someone to tell me that I helped them make a more meaningful decision.  It's not that I'm insecure, I'm human.  We all want someone to recognize us for the good and positive things we do.  I always wish that more people would recognize when I'm at a place when I just need to talk about what I'm feeling.  I am a quiet person so when I say things please know that it is coming from a place of love.

Disclaimer: I love to give advice because usually the advice I give helps myself.  I think I'm selfish in that way!!

I Speak Thoughts