A Woman's Worth

I believe women have discarded their worth.  I always have great conversations with my, younger than me, cousins Mallory, Faren and Brittney about relationships.  These young ladies, like my sister, my best friends, Brooke and Shermaine, and myself, really seem to value our worth.  We are loyal friends, girlfriends and wives.  We understand the meaning of the word friend. We are able to have these great conversations because we know and value our own worth.  I know this may make some of the women I know angry but it has to be said.  Why do you feel the need to be with an unavailable man?  He is not available to you by his choice.  He tells you all the things you want to hear because he knows that you have discarded your worth.  I am not judging you but I am curious.  You are a strong woman.  You have and are providing for your children.  You are making your own money and you want to be in love.  I understand.  But please help me understand why you are falling for the man who is unavailable to you.  I am not saying that my relationship is perfect and has not been tested, I know it has, but I am not seeking something or someone in another woman's man.

Trust me I understand falling in love but to fall  in love with an man who is already in a relationship is not only selfish it's wrong.  If you didn't know he was in a relationship and you fell in love, that's different.  But as women, we know the signs and we sometimes ignore because of our pride.  I just want you to know your worth.  If you are holding on to a man who clearly is tied to another woman, you are always going to be the one who is hurt.  He's tied to her because he wants to be.  And he's holding on to you because you have allowed yourself to just hang on.  I want women to understand their worth.  It's not tied into a man, it comes from you.

I love having conversations with all the women in my life because I get to be open and honest about how I feel with each of them.  We don't always agree on everything but we listen and take from the conversation what we think will ultimately help us.  I have learned something from each of the women in my life and what I know for sure is that I am loyal to them.  I have never wanted what they have because I know my worth.  I have always known my worth.  I didn't inherit my worth from a relationship with a man, it was God given and strong woman applied. 

Let's Talk About Sex

I haven't talked about sex.  It's been on my mind lately.  I'm always trying to understand why parents have such a hard time talking to their kids about sex.  I really don't have that problem.  I like talking about sex because I like the education of sex.  When I was younger I never had the "sex talk" with anyone.  I learned about sex through reading novels.  I must admit that is not the best way to learn about sex but it somehow worked for me.  I definitely don't want my kids learning about sex that way nor from their friends.  I was fortunate enough to understand the ups and downs of sex.  Many kids today are not as fortunate to comprehend that.  Kids are having sex much sooner and most times unprotected with multiple partners.  In my opinion, it is because their parents never talked to them about sex.  It's not enough to tell simply tell kids don't have sex.  Face it, they are already having sex by the time you decide to tell them that.  I think parents think that if they talk to their kids about sex then their kids are going to automatically want to experience sex.  The truth is actually the complete opposite, in most cases.  If you have the sex talk with your kids and tell them the truth about sex they are more likely to wait to have sex.  They will not be ashamed to ask you questions if you have an open dialogue.  For me it is not a challenge to talk about sex with my children because I have already opened the dialogue.  Some may ask why are you having the sex talk with your 5 year old.  The answer to that is simple...she was curious.  Now hold up before you go saying that I am promoting sex to a 5 year old listen to this.  Kids are curious, not about the act of sex, but about their bodies.  If your child comes up to you and ask you where babies come from your answer should not be God alone.  They are not asking you how we came to be, they are curious about where exactly did they come from.  At this point the talk should be very simple.  Babies come from sex.  Don't lie but don't you don't have to give them play by play details.  If you are confused about what to say maybe you shouldn't have babies in the first place.

So let's really talk about sex.  If you want to know how sex is defined, look it up.  My truth is...I enjoy sex.  I enjoy everything from foreplay to intercourse.  In my experience, the best sex I have ever has been the time when I have been in deep love with my partner.  It's better when you are in love with someone because you are having sex more intimately.  You are often more open with your partner the more in love the two of you are.  I like having spontaneous sex but I love having sex that is planned.  I mean think about it when you know that it is going to happen you should feel more excited.  The more excited you feel the greater the sex is going to be. You alter your day so that nothing is stressful or tense.  You cook, clean up and put the kids to bed early.  You are prepared to fulfill fantasies and learn new positions.  Everything about sex with someone you love is meaningful and more connected.  You get so into it that nothing else is on your mind.  You feel some kind of burning passion not unlike those sex novels that I read when I was a kid.  You are so focused on the sex that you forget that your day was maybe not so good or that the bills are due and you really don't have enough money.  None of that really matters when you are having that great sex.  You know the kind of sex that R. Kelly sings about.  The sex that makes you want to scream his name and mean it.  That rough kind of sex that makes you want to pull your own hair. HAHA!!

I can talk about sex all day everyday...but I'd rather be having it.

Stay tuned!!!!

Do Not Touch My Hair

For over 10 years now I have worn my hair natural.  Most people didn't know this because I always wore it long and straight.  After I had my first child, I decided to cut all of my hair off.  Family and friends were shocked but eventually got over it.  My transition has been great because I didn't do it because everyone else was doing it, I did because I wanted to.  It was easy for me to transition because I never felt the need to please anyone else when it came to my hair choices.  I really didn't care what anyone said or how they would react.  Having natural hair is like freedom for me.  The problem now is that so many people think that my hair is either a weave or wig.  First of all, my hair is very curly, some would say even nappy.  I call it "naptural".  Recently there has been many celebrity women who have said that they have natural hair under the weaves and wigs.  I would like to see more of them embrace their natural hair more publicly.  Black hair is a billion dollar business and that's a great thing but many black people spend their money on other people's hair.  I'm not judging.  As a matter of fact I often wish I could afford to wear other people's hair sometimes.  But I digress...

I have recently experienced complete strangers, both white and black, invading my personal space by touching my hair.  Just yesterday I slapped a young woman's hand away because she touched my hair.  Not only did she touch my hair but she preceded to tell me that she knew it wasn't my real hair.  I didn't feel the need to go back and forth with this woman but I did tell her that this was my God given hair.  She actually tried to argue with me saying that it couldn't be my hair.  I thought to myself, how could a woman of color not know the difference between the hair on my head and the hair in the store?  I mean hair does not look perfect and I have a headband on.  I mean really, I don't understand.  She continues to have a conversation with her friend about my hair.  They decide that the hair on my head is "good hair" therefore couldn't possibly be all mine.  Now I could have hushed them up by letting them actually run their fingers through my hair but like I said, I don't feel the need to justify my hair to anyone.  The people who know me know just how "naptural" my hair is. 

With white women, my experience has been similar.  They have tried to touch and received the same slap as the black women but they have actually asked questions.  They seem to be more curious about black hair and how we can do so many different things to our hair.  I don't mind telling them that, like our skin hues, our hair comes in many different varieties.  It makes me proud to be a black woman.  Our ability to be chameleons without compromising our ethnicity is one of God's great gifts to us.  I didn't mind almost giving a history lesson because this woman seemed genuiely interested in my hair. 

Well the moral of this blog entry is...DO NOT TOUCH MY HAIR!!  If you want to know if it is God given or store bought...Just Ask!!!

Racism Exists

The other day I was in a big chain store and I experienced the worst kind of racism.  There was a conversation going on with a little boy, about age 6, and his mother, both white.  The conversation played out like this:


Little Boy:  Mom, are all black people crazy, stupid niggers?
The Mom:  Yes, baby most of them!

You can imagine the look of shock and disgust on my face.  I turned around and looked this woman right in the face and told her:

Me:  First of all, you need to teach your child decorum. He needs to know when and where to ask a question.  Second, all black people are not ignorant and at this point you are more of a nigger than any black person standing in this store. 

The Mom:  This was a private conversation.

Me:  The conversation happened loud enough so that everybody in this store can hear you.  The fact that you think it's okay for your child to ask the question and for your response to be yes is perplexing.  I guess you haven't realized that The President is black and he is neither crazy, stupid nor a nigger.  Get your life together.

That was the end of the conversation with this woman.  I kept my cool when I could have easily proved her point about black people.  The next lady that approached her was not as nice as I was.  She was yelling at the woman while this woman stood in a store with a lot of black people.  She didn't seem to care what the woman was saying but the look on her face when I was talking in calm tone seemed to have scared her. 

I didn't want to frighten the woman, I want her to think about what she was teaching her child.  I know for sure the racism is a learned behavior.  Teaching racism to your child is a form of abuse, in my opinion.  I have experienced racism my entire life but I have never let it define me.  I think that white people think that racism no longer exists as it did.  For me and the black people I know, racism is alive and well.  We are discriminated against while driving, while shopping and while working.  It may be more subtle but believe me it's there.  I must admit that some black people think everything is racist but I'm not among them.  I know what racism feels like.  It attempts to cut deep.

President Obama can't change the minds of people who are racist.  The Tea Party exist to promote racism.  If you don't believe that statement, just listen to them speak.  I have learned in my life that people will judge you first on how you look.  The first thing you see is the color of your skin.  My hope for my kids is that they never judge a person until they have had a chance to know them.  I would never teach my children to hate and when you teach a child to hate they become an adult who hates. 

Simply Love

So I have love on my mind.  I have this strong belief in the power of love.  Love is defined as a strong positive emotion of regard and affection.  It's the one thing that every person has in common.  It connects us all despite our racial, cultural, financial or political backgrounds.  I'm in a place in my life where I am focused on keeping a lot of love around me.  I'm not talking about just the love our children or the love of a good man or woman, I'm talking about all love. 

If you have not yet experienced the love of a child, I hope that you have that chance.  A child's love is real all the time.  It's transforming in ways you would never imagine.  It's honesty and it's always there. 

If you haven't experienced the love of good man or woman, I pray that happens for you.  I'm talking about the love the transcends what you thought of  love.  A love that is so connected that you share space even when you are not in the same room.  A love so strong you feel it through your eyes.  A love so classic that you must have been together before this life.  That's some strong love.  A love so deep that it enhances the sex. 

As a girl, I dreamed of what my life would be like.  I dreamed of falling in love with a man, getting married, having two babies, a boy and a girl, and living happily ever after.  Well I have done all of those things except the getting married part, which is a very personal decision.  I believe in the idea of marriage but I don't think I'm at a point where it is right for me.  I have seen marriages that work and unfortunately I have been witness to those that do not.  What I have noticed in the marriages that don't work is some kind of disconnect.  Either someone was simply not ready for the marriage or they are no longer willing to put in the work.  I have been in a relationship for seven years now and the hardest thing is the relationship itself.  It takes so much work for both people involved and if one has decided that they no longer want to participate in the work then the relationship will and can not evolve.

Love is many things.  What it should not be is hard or hurtful.  It should grow and exceed expectations.  It should be thankful and grateful.  Love should be open to possibilities.  It should happen to everyone.  It should breath new life into old things.  It should be light shining so bright that no thing or person can dim it.  If you want it you should speak it into existence.  Don't dream about it, live it.  Love is God's gift to all of us.  Don't be afraid to fall in love because God has already designed the perfect person for you. 

Sometimes

Sometimes my smile hides my sadness. Sometimes my laughter hides my pain. Sometimes my eyes look down. Sometimes my face hides my fears.  Sometimes I'm happy.  Sometimes I'm not.  Sometimes I'm sad.  Sometimes I'm  not.  Sometimes....

There are so many things that go wrong in life.  The economy is messed up and the bills are piling up.  I think people sometimes forget who you are because you present them with someone other than yourself.  Many people lose sight of their true self when they are around other people.  We hide from life when we are not open and honest about life issues and situations.  We walk around with a smile when we really need to cry.  We hide behind our fears when we should embrace and fight through them.  We talk about other people when need to shut the hell up.  We worry about the small things when we shouldn't be worried about anything.  We hope someone will help us when we pretend that we have it all together.  We work hard looking for immediate results when we should just be patient.  We look at what we don't have when we should be thankful for what we do have.

Sometimes I'm sad and I pray.  Sometimes I'm happy and I pray.  Sometimes I feel down and I pray.  Sometimes I laugh and I pray.  Sometimes I smile and I pray because I know who holds my hand.

Bad Job

Have you ever worked at place that treated their employees like you know what?  I'm talking about a job that, no matter how productive you were, treated you like you were the bottom of the barrel and that's where you were going to stay.  I have learned that it doesn't matter how you perform, you are not being judged by what you know, rather by who you know.  Employers no longer give increased salaries to the employee doing the best job instead they choose to give to the person who kisses the most ass.  I worked at a place where the customers loved and some of the employees adored me and I was fired anyway.  They didn't care about my personal situation, they just fired me.  I was out of work for over two months and I learned something from that situation.  I'd like to say that I thank them for firing me because that allowed me to find a better environment to work in but saying thank you to that bank would be a lie.  The bank, like many other jobs, has favorites.  I suspect that race has played a major factor in their favoritism, but that is my opinion.  I'm actually not upset with them (anymore) because I knew just a month into the job that their behavior was suspicious.  I speak for me alone when I say the bank I worked for was and is all about the money, not the people who help generate the money.  Maybe that's business, but to me it's bad business.  Well this is a brief synaposis of my thoughts...more details to come.