Have you ever been so involved in someone that you didn't realize they weren't involved with you? I know I'm not the only person that has loved someone so deeply that I let my identity fade. When I was very young I loved a boy. (The keyword here is boy.) I thought the sun set and rose when he spoke. This guy was everything I wanted in a boyfriend. He was from out of town, he was popular with the neighborhood and he was really cute. You know all the things you really want in a boy at that age. He approached me, so that was an added bonus. I remember feeling like this is the guy I will marry. You know that fairytale wedding you see in the movies. The white picket fence. The two kids and a dog fairytale. We had a relationship built on trust. We had to have that kind of relationship because we lived in two different states. We'd talk on the phone so much that I would hide the phone bills when they came because, of course, I always called him. Oh this guy was the love of my life. He always told me how much he loved me and I felt that he did. He said that we would have the life that I dreamed of. I did I mention those kisses. Oh my goodness, those kisses!!! Yes this would be the man I would marry and have his kids. I couldn't even picture my life with anyone else.
Then here comes reality. Oh reality can be stone cold BITCH!! I knew in my heart that the person I had seen in my dreams didn't even exist for me. He wasn't really the guy I envisioned him to be. He wasn't the guy that had kept all his promises. He actually broke more promises than I'd care to remember. He wasn't really faithful to me. I can go on and on about this guy (and one day I will). Still I loved this guy. I loved him because I knew that I had put him so high on a pedestal that if he fell he would crush me. Well I was crushed. I will say this, we had really good times together when we were around each other.
Since then, our early teen years, we have moved on with our lives. Marriage and kids (not with each other) are what we now focus on. We are distant friends. We shared a connection once upon a time. We have grown up, no longer living in dreams. Our dreams have turned into, for me, a pretty good reality.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Gift From God
My sister said, and I quote, "this is a gift and to not share your gift is criminal. No expectations. No inhibitions. Just simply testifying through words is powerful".
For me, it's really what I needed to hear and it came at the right time. I have been mostly private with my struggles, only letting a few people know they even exist, for fear of being judged and misjudged. I understand the profound need to give way to the truth so that I can live this life as my most authentic self. I have been helped in my own life with some powerful words from Oprah Winfrey. I know that I have to open my life in order to help someone who may be struggling with similar issues. As I read my sister's words, via a Facebook post, I knew that I had once again failed myself.
When I first started this blog I wanted it to be a true and honest reflection of me. I wanted to get something out of me that I had not really spoken about. I wanted to put a face on many of life's struggles.
I have read many books, magazines articles, Twitter and Facebook posts and watched many televisions programs about letting God use you. I know that God has been trying to use me but I have getting in my own way. THAT STOPS TODAY! I am going to do exactly what I set out to do with this blog...I WILL SPEAK THOUGHTS. Not only will I speak those thoughts, but I will speak them without expectations nor inhibitions. I will speak them through truth and deeper understanding. I will speak them in peace of mind and growth of spirit. I will speak them for the satisfaction of my own selfishness. I will speak them for healing and rebuilding. I will speak them from pain to redemption. I will speak them from fear to love. I will speak them through laughter and tears. I will speak them through the eyes of my children and layers of my relationships. I will speak thoughts so that I can be closer to GOD, the One who gave them to me.
For me, it's really what I needed to hear and it came at the right time. I have been mostly private with my struggles, only letting a few people know they even exist, for fear of being judged and misjudged. I understand the profound need to give way to the truth so that I can live this life as my most authentic self. I have been helped in my own life with some powerful words from Oprah Winfrey. I know that I have to open my life in order to help someone who may be struggling with similar issues. As I read my sister's words, via a Facebook post, I knew that I had once again failed myself.
When I first started this blog I wanted it to be a true and honest reflection of me. I wanted to get something out of me that I had not really spoken about. I wanted to put a face on many of life's struggles.
I have read many books, magazines articles, Twitter and Facebook posts and watched many televisions programs about letting God use you. I know that God has been trying to use me but I have getting in my own way. THAT STOPS TODAY! I am going to do exactly what I set out to do with this blog...I WILL SPEAK THOUGHTS. Not only will I speak those thoughts, but I will speak them without expectations nor inhibitions. I will speak them through truth and deeper understanding. I will speak them in peace of mind and growth of spirit. I will speak them for the satisfaction of my own selfishness. I will speak them for healing and rebuilding. I will speak them from pain to redemption. I will speak them from fear to love. I will speak them through laughter and tears. I will speak them through the eyes of my children and layers of my relationships. I will speak thoughts so that I can be closer to GOD, the One who gave them to me.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Best Friend
By definition, a best friend is the closest person to you; the one who you are open and willing to share special times and moments with. I have been blessed with the Best Friend any woman can ask for. She is my "Gayle" and we've been friends for more years than I know. I think that is a testament to our strong friendship. We haven't counted the years but rather we count on the moments. This morning while driving to work a song (Friend of Mine by Kelly Price) begin to play on the radio and my thoughts went to a not so great memory of an associate, now former friend of mine. I thought, wow that crap happened to me. Then my immediate thought after that was that a friend of mine would never do that to me. My Best Friend in the world, Brooke Williams Mitchell, sure would never do that. She is the definition of a Best Friend. I must confess, for many years I felt inadequate as her friend. I felt like there was no way we would be as close as we are because of our slight age difference (2 years LOL). I quickly realized that we would be inseparable as friends.
It's funny for me to think of Brooke and not picture her crazy behind doing something absolutely crazy. You know the walks down the street when she breaks out in a dance that only should be done in the privacy of her room. Or the funny way she let the boys down. I can go on and on about this crazy woman but I won't. Our friendship has been there through summer baseball and private school education. Through Southern University and the University of Louisiana @ Lafayette. Through the worst days of our lives. It has soared through distance without missing a beat. It has been through a wedding and children. And I'm proud to say it has never wavered. There has never been jealousy nor arguments. We have had the most profound discussions. I never thought that I would have a friend who told me the truth the way she tells me the truth. I never doubted our friendship and I never will.
I have other friends who I can talk to but there is no one that can talk to more than Brooke. I must tell you, we never judged each for our mistakes because we know each others' hearts. She is the Best Friend a woman can have. This is my testimony to what a Best Friend is. If you don't have one in your life, I suggest you get one.
It's funny for me to think of Brooke and not picture her crazy behind doing something absolutely crazy. You know the walks down the street when she breaks out in a dance that only should be done in the privacy of her room. Or the funny way she let the boys down. I can go on and on about this crazy woman but I won't. Our friendship has been there through summer baseball and private school education. Through Southern University and the University of Louisiana @ Lafayette. Through the worst days of our lives. It has soared through distance without missing a beat. It has been through a wedding and children. And I'm proud to say it has never wavered. There has never been jealousy nor arguments. We have had the most profound discussions. I never thought that I would have a friend who told me the truth the way she tells me the truth. I never doubted our friendship and I never will.
I have other friends who I can talk to but there is no one that can talk to more than Brooke. I must tell you, we never judged each for our mistakes because we know each others' hearts. She is the Best Friend a woman can have. This is my testimony to what a Best Friend is. If you don't have one in your life, I suggest you get one.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Father's Love
I am so tired of seeing images and reading stories of bad fathers. I know plenty of bad fathers but I also know great ones. I am so blessed to still have my father in my life. He is a great father to me and my siblings. I know what he has done for me in terms of being a great provider. I also know that the father of my kids is one of the best I know. We have a relationship built on love and we had our children through that love. He provides for them the best way he knows how. He tries to give them the things he didn't have as a kid. He spoils them. My daughter will definitely have a hard time getting a man who can provide her with the things because her Daddy does. Our son will learn from the example his father is showing. My favorite moments of my life is when I see the interaction between my children and their father. I always think of a Toni Morrison quote when my children's Daddy enters the room..." Do your eyes light up when your enter the room?" I must say his eyes tells a story of affection and adoration for our children. And boy when they notice him in the room, it's like no one else is around. It makes me want to bottle those moments up and save them for when they get older. A father like that is a blessing. He doesn't have to have all of the money in the world, but because when he loves his children that's enough for them.
I know so many men, especially black men, get a bad wrap for leaving their children. For me, the two fathers in my life are still here and I will pray to keep them.
I know so many men, especially black men, get a bad wrap for leaving their children. For me, the two fathers in my life are still here and I will pray to keep them.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
I'm Back
I am finally doing something that I have always wanted to do. I am at a place where I actually enjoy coming to work. I think that being fired and not working for 2 and a half months really prepared me to step into something that I have always wanted to do. I don't feel like I'm working. I honestly think that I am supposed to be here. I know that being so low and so down that the only place left to go was up. I talked to God and I listened to him. I didn't give up on my journey that I will always travel. I've always admired people who told their truths. That's what I always try to do is speak my truth. I have grown up and I love who I am. I feel like I am going to be okay. They're still many bumps in the road but I am crossing over them one at a time. I'm ready for what's next in my life and I think that you should always speak it into existence. So here it is: I will be debt free and financially sound within the next five years. REMEMBER GOD HAS EARS AND HIS ARMS ARE SPREAD WIDE!!!
Monday, February 14, 2011
Can't Shake My Faith
I know what you're thinking...she is out!! Let me assure you that my faith is too strong to give up. I have lost a lot but what I have gained is greater than anyone, two or one hundred things that I have lost. I have something that is called unshakeable faith. A faith in God that says I know there is a greater purpose for my life. If you don't know what it feels like to have this faith, I suggest you take a minute to get in your knees and have a real conversation with God. It's true many life altering things have happened to me within the last 6 months but I know a God who never makes a mistake. I am doing my part to help myself but I know where my help comes from. Like the song says, NEVER WOULD'VE MADE IT WITHOUT YOU. I am stronger and I will be better. The road to redemption is long and often times hard. There are many moments when I don't think I can make it but God has placed so many people in my life that helps to keep my strong. My advice for those who are struggling with anything; hold on and never give up. God knows something about you that you can't understand just yet. Don't turn away just yet, keep going and see what his plan for your life is. He needs something from you...UNSHAKEABLE FAITH!!
I Speak Thoughts
I Speak Thoughts
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Single Mother Checklist
Forty hour work week...check. Fifty hours or more away from home...check. Children...check. Not enough time or money...check.
Everyday we get out of bed, leave our homes and kids for hours at a time and go to a job that can't even pay the bills. We do this for many different reasons. We do this because we love our jobs. We do this because we love our kids. We do this because...well what else can we do. Living as a single mother (not married) is a hard task. We spend most of our time away from our kids so the times we spend with our kids are more precious than anything. It's not often as a single working mother that you can truly spend time with your kids as they go through life's many changes. We must make the most out of the time we can spend with our kids. We are raising our kids with morals and values. We are teaching our kids independence. We are teaching our kids to read and write. We are teaching our kids about a higher being (God). We are teaching our kids responsibilty. We are doing all of this in a small window of time. It is not easy being a parent but being a single working mother possesses quite a challenge.
Guilt...check. Absence...check. Financial problems...check, check, check.
If raising great children weren't hard enough, now we must deal with the idea that we don't have enough money to raise our children. We now are stuck with the daunting task of being honest about our financial struggles. Telling the kids, " I'm sorry but mommy really can't afford to buy you that toy." I think kids understand exactly what that means when you say it but it doesn't prevent you from feeling guilt. I know you're thinking back over your life, you know the life before the kids. The plans you made for when you would have kids. You know the before kids checklist: Great husband, great job, lots of money and the ability to buy for your kids what you didn't have for yourself. Well guess what the reality of your situation and many other parents situations are much different than you orginally planned.
My solution is simple to say but has proven much harder to do. Make a new checklist.
Stop feeling guilty...check. Be present in the moment...check. Set spending limits for yourself and your children...check.
There are plenty of solutions to live a better life and make a better life. The resources are available. Support groups are available. Counseling is available. Financial help is available. The power is available. It all lies in our faith.
Everyday we get out of bed, leave our homes and kids for hours at a time and go to a job that can't even pay the bills. We do this for many different reasons. We do this because we love our jobs. We do this because we love our kids. We do this because...well what else can we do. Living as a single mother (not married) is a hard task. We spend most of our time away from our kids so the times we spend with our kids are more precious than anything. It's not often as a single working mother that you can truly spend time with your kids as they go through life's many changes. We must make the most out of the time we can spend with our kids. We are raising our kids with morals and values. We are teaching our kids independence. We are teaching our kids to read and write. We are teaching our kids about a higher being (God). We are teaching our kids responsibilty. We are doing all of this in a small window of time. It is not easy being a parent but being a single working mother possesses quite a challenge.
Guilt...check. Absence...check. Financial problems...check, check, check.
If raising great children weren't hard enough, now we must deal with the idea that we don't have enough money to raise our children. We now are stuck with the daunting task of being honest about our financial struggles. Telling the kids, " I'm sorry but mommy really can't afford to buy you that toy." I think kids understand exactly what that means when you say it but it doesn't prevent you from feeling guilt. I know you're thinking back over your life, you know the life before the kids. The plans you made for when you would have kids. You know the before kids checklist: Great husband, great job, lots of money and the ability to buy for your kids what you didn't have for yourself. Well guess what the reality of your situation and many other parents situations are much different than you orginally planned.
My solution is simple to say but has proven much harder to do. Make a new checklist.
Stop feeling guilty...check. Be present in the moment...check. Set spending limits for yourself and your children...check.
There are plenty of solutions to live a better life and make a better life. The resources are available. Support groups are available. Counseling is available. Financial help is available. The power is available. It all lies in our faith.
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