I Almost Gave Up

There have been so many trials in my life that I have almost given up.  I thought I couldn't handle the moments when my life seemed so difficult.  I thought I wasn't worthy of love.  I have shielded my feelings about my self from everyone so that I would not become their burden.  I talked to God in hopes of getting immediate answers and when I didn't get the answers, I almost gave up.  I have always been told that God doesn't make mistakes but somehow I thought that I must have been the one exception to that rule.  I couldn't help to think of all the bad decisions that I had made that changed the direction of my life.  I felt like every time I tried to move forward some force field would just knock me backward. 

My journey of bad decisions started when I was a very young girl, from the moment I discovered that everyone who says they love you really don't mean it.  My life seemed to be outlined with bad decisions.  I have always felt that I was a good person but the outline did not mirror my feelings about myself.  Somehow I think that I put so much pressure on myself to be all things for all people, that I forgot that I was only one person. 

In the past five years what I realize is that I have grown so much.  After the birth of my children I realized that I could no longer live a life outlined by only bad decisions.  I realized that there had been so many good decisions.  With every decision I made God was ever present.  He has been the guide through the story of my life.  I know for sure that every decision that I made has been navigated by God.  I say I almost gave up because I'm still here letting God lead me.  I know that every decision that I have been blessed to make has been to my benefit.  From the bad financial decisions to the better financial decisions. From the bad relationship mistakes to the great relationship moments.  From the way I discipline my children to the sparkle they bring to my eye.  Every solitary decision has been made through the conversations that I have had with God. 

I could admit that sometimes I refused to let God lead and it has been those times when I almost gave up.  Just when I thought that I couldn't live with another bad decision, God stepped in and carried me through.  It's true, what I have been told, he may not come when you want him but he'll be there right on time.  I feel his presence everyday.  I see him through the eyes of my children.  I hear him through the voice of my mother and grandmother.  I feel him in my spirit.  I'm honest to say that I haven't talked to God as often as I need to but I know he's standing by waiting for the voice he has given me to call his name.  I no longer have to hide behind my fear of bad decisions.  I am willing to ask God for the things I want and need and to accept whatever he gives whenever he gives it.  I truly understand that no person can take anything from me because they didn't give anything to me.  God places people in your life for a reason.  You may not know the reason right now but with every moment that reason will be revealed.  Only God has the power to give and take.  He will never give me anything that is meant for someone else.  And he has all power to take from me what he has given me.  So I say again, I almost gave up because I thought the things I had were a direct reflection of God's love for me.  What I realize is that I, not things, am direct reflection of God's love.  He leads, I follow.  I knock, he opens.  He gives, I take. I pray, he blesses.  There may be other times when I almost give up and when that time comes I will kneel down.