The Racism I See

Racism sits and waits to show itself and then claims it is anything but what it is.  As with everything, you cannot deal with or heal anything you refuse to discuss.  For most black people, we know racism does not lurk in the shadows because for us it sits behind desks and decides if we qualify for a job, not based on our experience but based on our names.  And even when our names are not a deterrent our hair may be.  For some black people, they still live in such an oppressed way that they refuse to acknowledge or they don't even notice when racism reveals itself.  When people say "I don't see color", what they are really saying is, I refuse to see you. And in that refusal, they can pass you over for a job, follow you around a store, appropriate your culture, and tell you they are not racist.  Racism shoots unarmed black men and women at a high rate.  Racism inflicts a war on drugs by sending black men to jail for long periods of time for marijuana, and then making marijuana a multi-million dollar business in Colorado for white people as there are not many if any black people who are in the Cannabis business.  Racism is the refusal of politicians to have a real conversation about race in America because they are afraid of losing the white vote.  There are many facets of racism that have little to do with confederate flags.  Racism is not as outspoken as it once was, though it still shows itself in that way.

For me, "I love my blackness and yours" (Deray McKesson), does not mean I hate anybody who isn't black, just as saying Black Lives Matter does not mean other lives don't.  If you believe it does, then by your reasoning saying #FuckCancer means people are saying that AIDS/HIV, heart disease, and diabetes are okay. Put that in perspective for a minute.  Do you see how crazy that sounds?  Racism and hate are taught and learned.  No person is born to hate.  I love who I am as a black woman.  I refuse to downplay who I am to make you comfortable or fit into your box.  Audre Lorde said "If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive." That is how we should live!!! 

Erica R. Campbell

Mother

It is often said that “being a mother is the best job ever!”  It’s weird because I never looked at motherhood as a job.  For me, being a mother has been my life.  No one tells you that you, no matter how hard you try, cease to exist.  You are not told that every single thing you do will change based on your children.  Your name is no longer the name your own mother gave you, it becomes Mommy and, in my case, A’jamaani’s Mom, Jamaal’s Mom and Maachi’s Mom.  You see who you were no longer exists.  At the least, she is in you somewhere as you begin tucking parts of her away to save for a later date.  You no longer do the things you used to do and guess what, that is okay with you.
 

 I have been blessed to know some great mothers in my journey called life.  My own mother is and always has been the best person I know.  I don’t say that often and I didn’t always believe it but as an adult and a mother now, I realize it.  I realize that mom is a person who used to be different until she sacrificed her life for her children.  She didn’t always do what she wanted to do when we were kids.  But what she did was take us to church, coach us in baseball, she went to every sporting event, she disciplined us when necessary and she worked to provide us with a better life.  I didn’t know it then, but my parents were not rich.  You see my mother and father made it seem like we had all of this money.  I mean we ate good food, we had nice clothes, we lived in a nice house and for the most part my siblings and I did what we wanted to do.  I mean we played sports, was in dance, was a majorette, in the band, was in 4-H, Girl Scouts and Brownies we went to AstroWorld and water parks and visited family out of town and mom was there for everything even though she worked outside of our home.  She didn’t complain about everything she’s done for us and she still doesn’t.  Now instead, she comes to her grandchildren’s special events.
 

 I have learned a great deal about being a mother from the women in my life.  My grandmothers have all been the epitome of strength and I believe I get it from them.  I have aunts who did/do things their way, on their terms, just like I do now.  I have best friends who have I can definitely go to for advice although our kids are the same ages.  I have cousins, and wives of cousins who I can watch and get parenting styles from.  I have the women who are friends of my mom, my aunts and the mothers of my friends who I can be a witness to how they have raised their kids.  I do not mimic any of them but what I do is observe them and admire them, love and adore them, look up to them and share stories with them, laugh with them and cry with them, pray with them and talk to them.  So to every mother, whether you birthed a child, adopted a child, or simply came into a child’s life for whatever reason, you are truly a treasure.  You have been placed on this earth for a reason.  You were given the distinct honor of being a mother and with no handbook to follow you have done and are doing the best you can.  It is not a job.  Motherhood is a blessing.  WE are being rewarded for what we do with children who make us great.  We are doing a thankless act every single day.  There is no person alive that could take our place in this world.  We have been chosen by God to be a vessel to tiny humans who we will guide into adult humans.  WE ARE MOTHERS! 

Sexually Free - Adult Content

I AM SEXUALLY FREE!! I have never been shy about talking about sex, in fact, I love talking about it.  I really don't know anyone personally who is as open with their sexuality as me.  I am a relationship woman so my sexual experiences are limited to my sexual partner; however, I will try anything except sharing my man with another person. 

 

Lately I have been listening to Beyoncé's new album and I am not surprised by the sensuality and sexuality of the music because I became more sexual after my first child.  She sings about being an all encompassing woman.  She makes it clear that she is a woman who loves her husband and enjoys their sexual experiences together.  She sings about performing sexual acts with her man in the backseat of the car in her song "Partition".  She reveals the way she feels when she reaches her climatic peak in her song "Rocket".  She mentions being "Drunk in Love" and wondering how the hell did they start their sex session in the bedroom and somehow ended it in the kitchen. 

 

I'm sexually free and if given the opportunity, I would definitely experiment in "Fifty Shades of Grey" type loving.  I want to be submissive but I have this need to be the dominate party of the relationship at least once a month (HAHAHA)!!  I want to put the kids to bed and role play with my man.  I want to entertain my man and get him completely ready for our session.  I want to be fulfilled sexually as many times a day I can fit in.  Being sexually free is necessary for me.  I want to tell my man to "punish me please".  Being sexually free means having a positive outlook on your own sexual experiences.  Talking about sex does not make you a deviant, a whore or a slut.  As a responsible adult, I encourage other adults to have positive sexual experiences and not be afraid or ashamed to have open conversations.    

 

BE SEXUALLY FREE

Unwilling

As I look back over the past year I have learned more than I was willing to know.  At the beginning of this year I was pregnant and miscarried at home shortly after finding out that I would be a mom to another life.  After the miscarriage I gave away all or most of the baby items I had.  I didn't want the reminder of being pregnant and losing a child lingering in the place I called home. I also had time to reflect on my life. What I realized about my life was that I never really lived it.

The reflection of who I am has never really been who I felt I should be. I was beginning to understand that my entire existence was a complete fraud. I had somehow became an unwilling participant in my own life. I remember from the time I was a little girl that I was just a shadow of my older sister. I always tell the story of how my mom dressed me like her until I was in at least 4th grade. My sister is 4 years older than me so there was absolutely no reason for us to dress alike. That, however, was my existence. The shadow of someone better than me.  Even as a grew older I was always called her little sister. And even now when i see people who I haven't seen or spoken to in a while they still ask about her first. For so long I tried to locate the person who I really am. At 11 years old, things for me was worst because I was molested, and managed to keep it a secret for many years. My whole life has been a shell of what I think it should be. 

Everything about my life is a shadow except my children.  I have always wanted children because I wanted to have someone in my life that would love me just for me.  I have never felt loved until I had my kids. I know for some people that will be a shock to know but for me it has been my truth. 

I had always been her little sister. The fat one. The one who is less smart than her. The non athletic one. The one who would never be her. I was always treated like her shadow. I would never catch up to her. Sadly, that's how I'm still treated. Like I said, I became an unwilling participant in this life. Although I am older with my own kids, I have had a chance to reflect on my life. The only thing that makes me happy is the love my kids give my everyday. 

I am constantly judged by those people who claim to love me. I have heard that I'm too fat my entire life. I have heard that my hair needs to look a certain way my entire life. But from my kids, I hear I love you and how I'm the best mom. For me to hear those words from my kids, I have a hard time believing them. Not that I don't believe they love me or think I'm the best mom, it's just they're the only people that tell me.  Having been a shadow since the beginning of my own existence, it's hard to understand that someone, especially my own kids, could actually tell me those words and mean them. Truth be told, my kids have been everything since before they were born. Every kick I felt was like feeling love for the first time.  Still I feel like an unwilling participant in this journey.

As this year ends and I feel the kicks of this new life, I wonder if I'm raising my kids to be shadows.  For me, I don't feel like I am but I'm pretty sure that's the way my parents may have felt. Or maybe not. You see not much has changed between the relationship I have with my sister.  She's the one who still gets all the attention from my parents. She's the one who can seemingly do nothing wrong in the eyes of my family. She's the one who can say whatever she wants and no one goes against her. While I'm still very much her shadow. My experience tells me that in the eyes of my family...she's better. When she's around I cease to exist. Everyone sees her. Everyone wants to talk to her. They wonder where she is when she's not around. I used to think that this was all in my head. I thought maybe I had somehow made the shadow up. But this holiday season I was shocked to learn that my 6 year old daughter felt something too. 

When my 6 year old asked me, out of the blue, why did everybody love her aunt more than they loved her mommy, I didn't know what to say. I mean I have felt this way my entire life but for her to notice it was like receiving a very hard punch to my stomach. She had no idea that I have felt this way but because kids are often smarter and more observant than adults, she noticed. What was more shocking than her noticing was the fact that it was an accurate observation. I asked her what made her ask me that question and she said, without hesitation, no one even ask you how you're feeling and you're sick.  As a mom, I knew that I could not disregard anything she was saying. She even said that her grandmother is always very happy when her aunt comes.  It was weird to listen to my 6 year old give examples about the exact things I have felt my entire life and never told a single person.  After she expressed her concern, it completely opened my eyes. It became real for me. No longer was it a figment of my imagination as I thought it was my whole life. She noticed.  The moment I was alone, I begin to cry. As I cried, I seen my life flash before me. Every emotion I felt was because I had always been the shadow. Now I had to start being me. The crazy part is, I don't know who I am.  I know who I want to be but I have always been the shadow.

I know that my kids are helping me to be that person. I am their mom and they love me. They are not a reflection of each other because I have never compared them to one another.  I always knew I wanted kids and I knew I wanted to raise my kids differently from the way I felt inside my entire life. I feel that I'm doing a great job of that.

I am a person packed with flaws. I am a person filled with doubt and fear. I am a person who is no longer willing to just be a shadow. I also understand that it will take some time for me to become the person I want to be. I know that my kids are unknowingly helping with that everyday.  I don't have people I can easily talk to about what I'm feeling because I know those people are more than willing to judge me. What I do have is kids who will tell me everyday that they love me and that I'm the best mom and now I know that I will believe them.

10 Marriages

Someone very close to me asked me if I knew 10 marriages that I thought were good marriages. As I thought about, I couldn't name 10. I can name 10 marriages that had infidelity. I can name 10 marriages that ended in divorce. I can even name 10 marriages that didn't involve love. The thought of this question is scary to me. I have been in relationship for 8 years but I can't picture marriage in my future. It's not a question about if I want to get married,  I just don't feel it necessary. I asked my grandmother about marriages back in the day and she shocked me with her revelation. She explained that back in the day people didn't actually get married. They lived together and the woman took the man's last name because of the common law marriage. It made sense to me. Back in those days, people were looked down upon for not being married and having kids. That effect trickled down to their kids and now to us. I think when they were telling their kids to be married, they completely left out what marriage means. Marriage is a two people coming together as one. I have never read in the bible that it meant letting a piece of paper dictate that fact. The fact that more marriages end in divorce now more than ever is simply because back then people weren't actually married.

In general, relationships are difficult.  They require hard work and dedication.  They require trust and communication. They require love and happiness.  Marriages are not different.  The only difference is a piece of paper telling you you're married.  We are told at a very early age that we need to get married, have kids and live happily ever after.  The idea that happily ever after can mean being without a marriage is never mentioned.  If people were more honest about marriage they would tell me what my grandmother told me. They would tell me the truth.  The way I feel about marriage is my feelings.  My best friend is married and I'm so happy for her but for me, I am not ready to choose that path. 

If I could talk to my younger self, I would tell me to be who you are destined to be.  Don't try to be who someone tells you to be.  I would say your mom chose her path, your sister will choose her path, your best friend will choose her path and you will choose your path.  It didn't take me long to realize that those paths would be different.  I am happily unmarried, not because someone told me to be but because I chose.  So for now, I don't know 10 marriages that are absolutely good marriages but I do know of some marriages that have stood the test of time through the difficulties, with the hard work and dedication, trust and communication, love and happiness.

I Speak Thoughts

Death by Suspicion

Is it that just being a black man can get you killed in America?  It's hard to argue against it when so many young black men are killed everyday in their own neighborhoods.  What's even harder to argue is that they don't have to be criminals or "bad guys".  They can look suspicious to a Neighborhood Watch Captain and can breath their last breath steps away from their father's fiance's home.  They can be Trayvon Martin.  This latest story has made me think about the future of my son and my nephew.  I think about teaching them right from wrong and telling them to get a great education and how to treat women but it's hard to tell them all this when the truth is because they were born black, they can be killed.  It's a sad reality for the black men and boys of this world.

The line by Omar Epps in the movie Higher Learning makes more sense to me now.  In the movie scene he was saying that he was a threat to the world as a black man whether he was educated or not.  I have been a witness to the racism of this country.  I have seen white women grab their purses a little tighter at the sight of a black man.  I have seen white people walk across the street just to avoid the oncoming of a young black man on a college campus. I have been a car with a white woman who took the scenic route to avoid an entire neighborhood.  If you think racism is not alive and well in this country, it stands to reason that you must live under a rock.  

Trayvon Martin did not have to die for black people to know that racism surrounds us everywhere we go.  It's not in our imaginations.  Racism is apart of our world.  It hasn't changed since the days of slavery. Racism has simply gotten more sophisticated.  Black people are not getting lynched, literally, but we are getting lynched.  Just look at the unemployment rate of black people compared to those of our white counterparts.  The difference is extremely significant.  Now compare the rate to that of black men and you will see the number increase dramatically.  The fact that the President is black has only increased the volume of racism.  It's loud and open and not afraid to spew hate.  When I see cases like Trayvon Martin I can't help but to worry about all the black men and boys that I know.  They are risk of being hunted and killed not for for what they do but simply for what they look like.

It's true that black men are not innocent in the way they are perceived.  Some of them often feed into the stereotype of who they should be and how they should act.  They wear clothes that are too big.  They drive cars that have rims on them that are too big.  They hang on street corners until the wee hours of the morning.  They sell drugs.  They listen to the music in their cars so loud that it often feels like they will crack windows to the homes they drive by.  Some of them do all these the things without caring how they are perceived by the world.  On the other hand, black men are fathers.  They work hard to support their families.  They have corporate jobs and own their own businesses.  They wear suits and ties.  They go to college and receive a degree.  The drive a nice car and live in gated communities.  They go to church and pray to God.  All of the examples have been given does not change one fact, they are black and they are perceived as a threat. 

As a mother, a life partner, a daughter, a sister, a family member and friend to every type of black man, I'm scared.  Scared that one day I will receive the same call that Trayvon Martin's parents received.  The call saying that my child, my life partner, my dad, my brother, my family member or my friend is dead simply because he is black.  It is a fear deep rooted in the black community.  There is not a single white person who fears the same thing.  If you have a chance go the website globalgrind.com and read the article by Michael Skolnik, titled, White People, You Will Never Look Suspicious.  Sometimes we have to speak up for the injustice in the world, not because we are black but because we are people.  Injustice against black men is an injustice to all people.  Speak out against it.  Do something about it.  Bring attention to it. FIGHT AGAINST IT.

I Speak Thoughts

  

Positively Growing

When I was thinking about what I wanted to discuss in this blog, I started thinking about my life and how much I've grown.  I am thinking about writing and learning and growing.  I realized that the very thing I've decided to write about, I've been guilty of doing in the past.  As I started to grow and change I knew that the things I used to do I couldn't do anymore.  For me, I made the decision to not let what people think about me have any negative effects on me.  It's true what has been said, The loudest person in the room is usually the weakest.  The same can be said about the loudest person in a small town or the loudest person in a family.

What I learned through this growth process is that I was that person.  The one who always had a strong opinion.  I was the person who always needed to be right.  I was the loudest person because I was so weak in other aspects of my life.  I'm extremely lucky that I have a best friend who would allow me to have my opinion but also not be afraid to challenge me.  I still manage to get my point across but I have learned that my opinion about any situation is that alone, my opinion.  Growing up and living in a small town everyone has this idea that they know everybody.  Well I don't have that idea anymore.  I know for sure that I really don't know anybody and they have no idea who I really am.  People only know what you tell them and they really don't know if what you say is the truth. 

The really sad thing about life is that people will say any and everything about you.  The will deliver lies to the people who are the loudest thinking that the more people that know than the more truth the lies hold.  We see this everyday in the arena of politics and celebrities.  You read it on Facebook and Twitter.  You hear it grocery stores and at your place of employment.  There will always be someone who will start a rumor and others who will spread that same rumor adding a little bit more to it.  I used to be the person who was a part of spreading the rumor but now I don't even entertain what people say about others.  The truth is if someone starts or spreads a rumor to you, they will most definitely start and spread one about you.  I have been on a journey to be a better person than I was.  I am doing what I can to spread a more positive message about life.  In order for me to be better and more positive, I try not to respond to negativity in any way.  If someone says something about me that I know is not true I don't even respond.  My grandmother told me once, " it's not what people call you, it's what you answer to."  There is so much more power in not responding to negativity.  When I see some people's Facebook statuses talking about people hating on them, I shake my head.  If someone doesn't like my blog post it doesn't offend me.  I know that everything I do is not for everyone to receive.  If you are truly doing something positive and productive in your life there is absolutely no need to broadcast to anyone.  People will notice. 

I understand promoting your talents and your artistry is very important and necessary.  Sometimes you have to put yourself out there but you must always be prepared to hear negative comments about what you are doing.  There are so many people who want to be exactly who you are.  Those people are the loudest people out there.  They are the people who want a response from you.  My advice:  don't give them the satisfaction.  Keep doing what you are doing and your positivity will always outweigh there negativity.  I want to use a few examples to explain what I mean.  I am not the biggest fan of rap but I am a fan of music and the art of music.  There is a rap guy and a rap group in Gueydan by the name of Chance Jolivette (rap guy) and Game Mob Family (the rap group).  They are creating music that I'm not fond of but they are creating the music they love.  I will never say anything negative about it just because I don't like the genre of music.  In fact, I'm willing to listen and give it a chance.  However, there are so many loud people that will only speak negatively about it.  I would say this to these guys and ladies, if you enjoy what you are doing then you better keep doing what you're doing.  You don't have to answer to the negativity just continue on your own journey. 

I have always been a great supporter.  I love to see other people soar and I'm happy when people succeed in life.  For example, my best friend, Brooke is doing great things with her life.  I have always been extremely proud of the person she is.  Her light has always been bright but I never let it overshadow me.  She allowed me to be a part of her support system.  I believe that I am the best supporter in the world.  I love to see other people succeed and fulfill their dreams and believe being their supporter has not stopped me from pursuing my goals.  You can be a person who spreads positivity and succeed in your own life.  You have to be willing to block out the negativity and move forward with who you are meant to be.  I think the people who love me will agree that I'm always happy when they are happy.  This happens when you are truly happy with the person you are.  I know who I am and there is not one person on this earth who can tell me any different.  Like I said, I once was the loudest but even when I was the loudest, I was still happy for the people who did great things with their lives.  The growth has been that I know I no longer have to be the loudest in the room. 

So in conclusion, I think sometimes you have to just be silent because your silence speak volumes.  Stop using Facebook and Twitter to try and shut down the people who spread negativity about you.  You can shut all the negative energy out of your life simply by not feeding into it.  People will always have something to say about you whether it be negative or positive.  The truth is you have to know what you're willing to answer to.  Positive energy attracts positivity.  It works in every aspect of our lives.  If you want to have great friends, you have to be a great friend.  If you want to have a good partner, you have to be a good partner.  But if you want to something great and the only thing you talk about is the worst part of life then you are attracting the same negative energy you are putting out there.  It may take some time and a better understanding of who you are but all good things takes a little time.

I Speak Thoughts

The "Reality" of Being A Black Woman

I am not the women that you see on "reality" television.  It's funny that I have to say those words.  I must admit that I have watched these television shows and most times I feel disgusted by the way they look on the screen.  For the most part, I think that these women are paid to "act" a real fool.  Some would call it entertainment but let's face it, it's not funny anymore nor is it entertaining.  I watch the Real Housewives of Atlanta (not every episode) and they are portrayed as loud, mostly uneducated, ignorant and bitches.  I am not any of that.  They do not represent me at all.  Black woman have long been regarded, by other races, as everything I have mentioned.  I have to point out that I also watch the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and they fight, yell & call each other bitches but they are not portrayed the same as their black counterparts who do the exact same thing.

The "Reality" is that the people who pay these women to act this way are rich white folks.  If you have watched the show since it's inception then you probably have noticed that DeShawn & Lisa were not really involved in the over the top drama.  Have you also noticed they are no longer a part of the show?  The reality is the regular viewer of a "reality" show such as this one is not interested in anything other than the drama.

Let's just be honest, we all know black women who act like this way on a daily basis.  Let's be even more honest, they are a part of our families.  I also know every other race of women that act this way.  Not all black women behave in a manner that is drama filled but the reality is they are the kind of black women who are portrayed on our television and movie screens more often than any other character trait of black woman.  There are plenty of black television and film actresses that are portrayed in an extremely positive light but they are mostly in the background.  As a child, like many others, I grew up watching The Cosby Show.  Phylicia Rashad's portrayal of Clair Huxtable is the image of strength.  She was a supportive wife, a great mother, a top attorney and what every black little girl wanted to grow up to be.  She made little black girls dream for a better life and hope for a brighter future.  The fact that it is rare to see the image of Clair Huxtable on the television screen does not diminish the fact that many black woman are living their dreams with great joy. 

The reality of black women is so much more than what white people pay to portray on television.  We are strong women and have been that way for many generations.  We are educated and hard workers.  We are more than our skin tone yet we are proud of who we are.  The reality is that the women I know and love are smart and beautiful women who always are seen as inferior because of the color of skin they were blessed with.  It's true that some are loud, have little to no education and display ignorance but most black women are the complete opposite of that truth.

We have been the backbone to our families and our ancestors were the backbone to the families of the same white people who treated them as unequal and less than.  We have held our families together while the same black men that we love turn their backs on us.  We have gone to work for hours and came home and raised smart and beautiful children.  We are the women who are overlooked for jobs not because we are less qualified but because we are black.  We are the same women who struggle but never give up.

The reality is black women are layered.  We are not only stereotyped by other races but we also face those same stereotypes from the black men that have been raised their entire lives by a strong black woman.  The fact is black women have always been strong.  Now we are the financial contributors to our families in record numbers.  We love these men so hard and they turn and run away from our strength.  They say we have attitudes.  The reality is we possess a God given confidence.  They say we think we know it all.  The reality is we may not know everything but we know exactly who we are.  They say we always want to be in control.  The reality is we have always given more of ourselves than most others.  The reality of being a black woman is so much more than anything that you have seen on television.  But the fact of the matter is we will always be portrayed as we what see as long as we watch.  There is not a person alive that can tell me who I am.  I live the reality everyday.  I am a strong, confident, fiercely independent, ever-powerful woman.  That reality that my skin is black is a bonus.

Dedicated to all the Black Women who love themselves enough to know the reality about Being a Black Woman.

Friends

A friend is defined as a person you know well and regard with affection and trust. So from that definition alone, how many friends do you really have?  I know exactly how many friends I have not including my family.  My friends are not necessarily the people who post statuses on my Facebook Wall.  The people I call my friends in my life are the people who have been honest with me even when I didn't want to hear it.  My friends are the people that I have been blessed to tell something to and they have kept it a closely guarded secret because I asked.  My friends have never betrayed my trust.  My friends have loved me through the worst of my pain and have helped to shield me from hurt.  I have always been that friend.  I have remained true to myself and what I truly believe in.  I am the type of person who, at one point, found it hard to forgive.  I realized that forgiveness has never been about the person who hurt me but has been about me.  What I also learned is just because I have forgiven you doesn't mean I trust you. 

Trust is the hardest thing to get back once you have proven yourself untrustworthy.  I have always tried to be honest in the hopes that no person could say I violated their trust.  I take that very seriously when it comes to my relationships with people. When I was younger, someone I was very close violated my trust.  I have forgiven her but she can never get back the level of trust I had for her.  It's funny how people think that just because you have forgiven them, that you have somehow erased, from your mind, what they did to you.  I think that when someone you love hurts you and you forgive them, the pain they caused you remains as a blueprint of what you are willing to accept from people.  For instance, if someone you regarded as your friend begins dating your boy/girlfriend when you are teenagers, how can you trust they will not do the same thing when you're adults?  It is true that people grow and change but the question remains; can you trust them? 

On the other side of the previous scenario, I have a friend who has been there for me through everything.  She has never told me what I wanted to hear but have always told me what I needed to hear.  Every word of advice she gives comes from love, honesty and a truthful place.  We have never lied to one another.  Our friendship is built upon Truth, Honesty, Communication, Loyalty and above all Love.  She knows things about my life that most people could never understand.  I trust her because I only put my trust in God and he has been the strongest part of this friendship.

I have other friends that I have confided in and they have never broken my trust.  I keep them close to me.  We don't have to talk to each other daily because we know that when we talk it will be the best of us.  I am living a more positive life so I truly don't have time for negativity around me.  I remain faithful to God who continues to bless me with understanding, forgiveness and love.  I have great friends because I am a true friend indeed.  I have never been afraid to let go of friendships that didn't enhance my life.  I have always been able to grow through the pain of loss and losing a friend has not been any different.  So my questions are, Are you a friend? and Do you know who your friends are?

My Year

I must say...This year has been a great blessing to me. I have discovered me.  What more could I ask for?  My relationship with Drake is stronger than ever.  My relationship with my kids is unbreakable.  My family loyalty is undeniable.  My friends are my extended family.  What can I say except I am truly blessed and highly favored.  This year my goal was to have a more positive impact on my life and the lives of people around me.  I think that I have done that.  I'm looking forward to next year because I just want to continue to grow, learn and challenge myself and others to be more positive.  I have decided to live each day and breath today's air.  I am not worried about tomorrow because tomorrow is not promised.  I want to have the important conversations with God today.  I want to live everyday spending moments with the people I love and who lift me up.  I would like to think that I have had some kind of positive impact on everyone who was able to read a blog post, facebook status or tweet that was sent from me. 

My life this year has been one of great blessings.  I have been able to share a little more of my life with you in hopes of you taking away something that will ultimately help you live your most authentic self.  Please believe my year hasn't been without trials and tests but anything bad that happened to me has only made me more aware of love and God.  I have learned something from myself that I really didn't believe before.  I am STRONG. I am WOMAN. I am a GREAT MOTHER.  I am a GREAT PARTNER.  I am a GREAT FRIEND.  I am a GREAT PERSON.  I am POSITIVE.  I am GOD LOVING.  I am TRULY BLESSED and VERY HUMBLE.  I hope you have recognized this in me but if you haven't maybe you need to look closer at yourself because I know exactly who I am. 

So for the year 2012, I will continue to grow and learn.  I will be better tomorrow than I am today.  I will always be honest.  I will love harder and give more.  I will be blessed because I will stay prayerful.  I will be here to lend my ear and shoulder and offer words of inspiration and encouragement.  I want to help in any way I can without judgment.  With all that said...HAVE A GOD BLESSED YEAR.

Struggles Redefined

I'm really beginning to appreciate my struggles.  They have led me to this exact moment in my life.  I've always wanted more out of my life but my approach has always been one dimensional.  Now I understand the reason for my struggles and I am proud to say that I have and am learning from them.  We have all been through something.  We have wondered how are we going to make it through this or that.  We have prayed, wished and hoped for something better.  The problem with the praying, wishing and hoping is that once we don't receive the answer that we want when we want it, we stop doing all those things.  We stop depending on God and we begin asking family and friends for guidance.  What we forget is that our family and friends have their own issues and problems to deal with.  So sometimes we are listening to their advice not realizing that they are giving it from their own situations.  You know they are saying, "this is what I will do" instead of giving the advice that caters to your situation.  I'm not saying the advice is not good, I'm just saying the advice may not be intended for you to hear.  And because we gave up on God, we are often taking advice from someone not qualified to give it. 

For instance, you ask a friend or family member for relationship advice and they haven't had a relationship in years.  The advice they gave you will automatically come from their viewpoint.  I'm not saying the advice is bad, I'm asking, are they even qualified to give you that kind of advice?  The answer is...probably not.  Now you have taken the advice of someone who tells you that being in the relationship is not a good idea.  Guess what? You are now single.  Think about the entire situation you are in and then review the conversation you had with your single friend or family member.  I know you are probably contemplating what just happened. 

What I have learned is that it's okay to ask for advice from someone but just make sure they are qualified to give you the right kind of advice.  After getting their advice you still must be able to listen to what God is saying.  Sometimes the person who gives you advice is telling you to leave while God is telling you to stay because your breakthrough is coming to meet you.  I love giving advice to people but I make sure I know how to give that advice.  I never say what I will do because I never know what I will do unless I'm in the situation.  Instead I give them options and I tell them that they have a God given ability to simply Pray and wait for his response. 

I have honestly learned that struggles are just road maps to a better life.  Sometimes we have to take the alternate route called change.  I am changing and I know it's because my breakthrough is fast approaching.  I want to be prepared for everything God has in store for me.  I keep a smile on face and positive thoughts about life on my mind and in my heart.  Even if I am presented with a setback, I know I will be better prepared to handle it.  I am always talking to God but I stopped telling him my plans.  LOL!!

SECRET...REVEALED

I have finally been able to free myself of a secret that I kept from my parents for 21 years.  It was not easy to walk in the room and tell my parents that when I was 11 years old I was molested.  In fact, it took me 21 years to build up the courage to free myself.  There were many reasons for me finally revealing a secret that was made my life almost a living hell.  I wanted to live my most authentic life and holding the secret had disabled that.  I think that my molester held this power over me through his death.  I was literally afraid of telling my parents because I didn't want them to feel like what happened to me was somehow their fault.  For many years of my life, I actually believed what this evil person told me.  His words kept my mouth closed and my life still.  I believed him when he said that he would kill me.  I believed him when he said my parents wouldn't believe me.  I believed him when he said if I told I would destroy lives.  At 11 years old, I believed him because then I loved him.

I am finally free to tell my truth.  To tell you that I was a victim of sexual abuse doesn't even begin to tell my story.  It may give you a glimpse of who I am but it doesn't tell you who I am.  I used to be a little girl with dreams of becoming a lawyer and living a life free of financial burdens.  I wanted to help people with their problems and I loved to talk.  I had everything figured out at a very early age.  I wanted to go to college on a full scholarship and pass the BAR by the age of 23.  I was going to start my own law firm at 24 years old and own my home at 25.  I had life figured out.  You are probably wondering how in the world could a girl have everything figured out.  The answer is simple...Clair Huxtable.

Unfortunately for me, those dreams died the day I was molested by a man (who shall remain nameless) that I loved.  I want you to know that there was no sexual intercourse involved but that is neither here nor there.  The abuse changed the course of my life forever.  That start of the day was a typical day.  I went over to his house to play like I had done so many times before.  He always let me play outside as long as I wanted to.  After playing outside and having snacks throughout the day, it was time for my favorite show at the time...Jeopardy.  I remember him saying, " come over here and sit on my lap so we can watch our favorite show."  The idea of sitting on his lap was not unusual because for as long as I can remember I would sit on his lap.  But on this day it was different.  It's funny because I felt the difference right away but I couldn't quit put my finger on it.  What happened next changed my life forever.  I remember feeling something hard touching my bottom so I jumped up but he quickly pulled me back down.  I tried to fight but of course he was stronger than I was.  I tried to scream but his hands muffled my mouth.  He whispered to me, "if you scream, I will kill you."  Imagine just for a moment being 11 years old and having someone you love threatening to kill you.  I did as I was told and he continued to do what he was doing.  Although I had clothes on, I could feel this something hard entering me.  I know it sounds weird but I felt like I was outside of myself.  I don't even know how long this went on but I seemed like hours.  After kicking and moving, I was finally free from his grasp.  I ran out the door and to my grandparents house and I never went there again.  I didn't tell anyone what happened to me until years later.

When I was 16 years old, I remember seeing his face and every memory that I had somehow shoved away came rushing back.  I started drinking just to try and forget about the pain of that day.  I was losing myself.  For the next 6 years of my life, I was a highly functional alcoholic.  What most people don't know is that I literally drank everyday because my body needed it.  I played sports, I worked at the store and I hid it very well.  I went to college and I remember my best friend, Brooke, telling me that she thought I had a serious problem.  I knew that she knew a little something about my problem but I didn't know the extent of what she knew.  At the time, I didn't care.  My turning point came when I decided that I could no longer live the life I was living.  I made a plan to end my life to stop all the pain that was going on inside of me.  (See Blog Post entitled September 16, 2005)

Today, I am over 6 years sober and I know that God has his hands on me.  I finally told my parents about what happened to me 21 years ago.  Their reaction has given me a brand new outlook on life.  I realize just how much my parents love me.  Of course, they believed me and they wished I had told them when it happened but they said they now understand why I am the way I am.  The outspoken yet quiet child.  The child who always has a strong opinion and will always stand by that opinion.  The child who has lived her own life without making any apologies about it.  The strong child that has grown up to be the mother who talks to her kids about the hard things.  They understand that my life is the way it is because I carried the burden of that awful secret all alone. I don't want people to feel sorry for me.  I have always wanted to share my story to help others to not go through what I have been through.  I want parents to talk to their kids about the hard stuff to save them from the pain that I have gone through.  I want people to be able to ask me questions about my situation and how I've made it through.  I want to start a conversation that will surely help someone else.  I don't want my story to be the story of you or your kids.  I want to speak to people about the pain as well as the breakthrough.  I want to LIVE my authentic life.

IF YOU OR ANYBODY YOU KNOW HAS BEEN A VICTIM OF SEXUAL ABUSE, PLEASE VISIT www.rainn.org OR CALL 1.800.656.HOPE(4673)

Education for Parents

I recently had the opportunity to sit down with my daughter's teacher and talk to her about the education of my daughter.  I was so happy, though not surprised, to hear that my daughter was doing really well in school.  My daughter has always been very attentive and that has definitely extended to her education.  I would love to say thank you to the teachers that has helped to shape my child's learning ability.  The truth is she is in Kindergarten and I know that whatever she learns now will determine what and how she learns for the rest of her life.

Although teachers have helped to guide my child's education, I have to say that her father and I have always taught her the things that she knows.  I believe that if parents are a greater part of their child's education, then the child will have a greater chance of being a very successful adult.  When I was a child I loved to learn but I wanted it to come easy.  As an adult, I can name every single teacher that taught me from Headstart through Senior year.  Unfortunately for me, knowing all my teacher's name wasn't enough for me to become a teacher in a classroom.  Instead I'm a teacher to my children.  I'm their first teacher.  As I sat in this Parent/Teacher meeting to get an update about how my 5 year old was handling her first year in "big school", I looked around and the room was practically empty.  There were only six parents in the room including myself.  For me, this was a very important meeting.  The teacher was giving us an update on our kids progress.  She also wanted to tell us what to expect in the next three months and what we can do to aid in our child's education.

After the meeting I started thinking about the parents who had missed out on this meeting.  I thought to myself, what can be more important than this.  For me, I wouldn't have missed this meeting and if I had to, I would have found a substitute for me.  I'm not judging anybody but as parents we have to do much better as educators of our kids.  I want more for my children than I have.  I want them to be better through education.  I know that teachers can not do it alone.  It pains me to know that some parents care more about athletics than education; they care more about going party than participating in their child's education.  Than they wonder why their kids can't spell their own name or count to 10.  I'm not saying don't care about the other things but life should have some balance with education leading the pack.  I understand that some parents are busy, hell I have a full time job 45 minutes from home, but you can still have balance.  My daughter can read and even write a small story and she is 5 years old.  She knows her numbers to 100 and the sounds of the alphabet.  She knows her shapes and how to draw pictures.  She has manners and loves to play with her brother and teach him everything she knows.  She is a smart and beautiful little girl and her father and I and our families deserve some of the credit. 

I had an epiphany after the parent meeting.  Since I have become a parent, I thought my life had been boring.  For the past 5 years I have basically been with my kids.  I don't go clubbing (by my choice).  I haven't really done anything without my kids, except the occasional R. Kelly concert.  I literally thought I was such a bore.  What I realized is that I have invested my life in my children's future.  I have made decisions to stay in and teach them rather than hanging out and partying.  What I know for sure is that I have put my kids' education above my own social life because I truly want more for them than I have.  This is not about putting parents down for not attending a parent meeting.  This is about opening your eyes to see that your kid's future depend on what you do right now.  I'm saying that your participation in their education gives them confidence to want to do better in school.  They are paying attention to everything you do, say and care about.  You can change the direction of their life if you participate in their education.  If you think going to a Parent/Teacher meeting is not important, think again.  If you think reading them a book or helping them write their names is not important, think again.  If you think listening to your kids tell a story or read a book is not important, think again.  If you think wanting better for your kids is not important, think again.  You are your child's first and most important teacher.  They want you to guide them in the right direction.  They need you to be tough on them when it comes to their education.  You have to teach them more than what they learn at school so that they can be ready for this thing called life.  I know this sounds cliche' but the kids are truly the future.  If you don't want to be a roadblock to their success, then you need to drive the education car of their lives.

PARENTS & EDUCATION MAKE A DIFFERENCE!!!

Disgusted

I am so disgusted about the madness going on at Penn State.  People are rioting the fact that Joe Paterno, Head Football Coach at the University, was unfairly fired.  I would have to agree with that...he should have been fired as soon as officials became aware of what happened right under his nose and with his knowledge for years.  Joe Paterno is not the only person to blame in this case.  Many people knew what was going on and did absolutely nothing to stop this from going on. The following is an alleged chronological order of events as reported by the Associated Press:

{1969: Jerry Sandusky starts his coaching career at Penn State University as a defensive line coach.

1977: Jerry Sandusky founds The Second Mile. It begins as a group foster home dedicated to helping troubled boys and grows into a charity dedicated to helping children with absent or dysfunctional families.

January 1983: Associated Press voters select Penn State as college football's national champion for the 1982 season.

January 1987: Associated Press voters select Penn State as college football's national champion for the 1986 season.

1994: Boy known as Victim 7 in the report meets Sandusky through The Second Mile program at about the age of 10.

1994-95: Boy known as Victim 6 meets Sandusky at a Second Mile picnic at Spring Creek Park when he is 7 or 8 years old.

1995-96: Boy known as Victim 5, meets Sandusky through The Second Mile when he is 7 or 8, in second or third grade.

1996-97: Boy known as Victim 4, at the age of 12 or 13, meets Sandusky while he is in his second year participating in The Second Mile program.

1996-98: Victim 5 is taken to the locker rooms and showers at Penn State by Sandusky when he is 8 to 10 years old.

Jan. 1, 1998: Victim 4 is listed, along with Sandusky's wife, as a member of Sandusky's family party for the 1998 Outback Bowl.

1998: Victim 6 is taken into the locker rooms and showers when he is 11 years old. When Victim 6 is dropped off at home, his hair is wet from showering with Sandusky. His mother reports the incident to the university police, who investigate.

Detective Ronald Schreffler testifies that he and State College Police Department Detective Ralph Ralston, with the consent of the mother of Victim 6, eavesdrop on two conversations the mother of Victim 6 has with Sandusky. Sandusky says he has showered with other boys and Victim 6's mother tries to make Sandusky promise never to shower with a boy again but he will not. At the end of the second conversation, after Sandusky is told he cannot see Victim 6 anymore, Schreffler testifies Sandusky says, ''I understand. I was wrong. I wish I could get forgiveness. I know I won't get it from you. I wish I were dead.''

Jerry Lauro, an investigator with the Pennsylvania Department of Public Welfare, testifies he and Schreffler interviewed Sandusky, and that Sandusky admits showering naked with Victim 6, admits to hugging Victim 6 while in the shower and admits that it was wrong.

The case is closed after then-Centre County District Attorney Ray Gricar decides there will be no criminal charge.

June 1999: Sandusky retires from Penn State but still holds emeritus status.

Dec. 28, 1999: Victim 4 is listed, along with Sandusky's wife, as a member of Sandusky's family party for the 1999 Alamo Bowl.

Summer 2000: Boy known as Victim 3 meets Sandusky through The Second Mile when he is between seventh and eighth grade.

Fall 2000: A janitor named James Calhoun observes Sandusky in the showers of the Lasch Football Building with a young boy, known as Victim 8, pinned up against the wall, performing oral sex on the boy. He tells other janitorial staff immediately. Fellow Office of Physical Plant employee Ronald Petrosky cleans the showers at Lasch and sees Sandusky and the boy, who he describes as being between the ages of 11 and 13.

March 1, 2002: A Penn State graduate assistant enters the locker room at the Lasch Football Building. In the showers, he sees a naked boy, known as Victim 2, whose age he estimates to be 10 years old, being subjected to anal intercourse by a naked Sandusky. The graduate assistant tells his father immediately.

March 2, 2002: In the morning, the graduate assistant calls Coach Joe Paterno and goes to Paterno's home, where he reports what he has seen.

March 3, 2002: Paterno calls Tim Curley, Penn State Athletic Director to his home the next day and reports a version of what the grad assistant had said.

March 2002: Later in the month the graduate assistant is called to a meeting with Curley and Senior Vice President for Finance and Business Gary Schultz. The grad assistant reports what he has seen and Curley and Schultz say they will look into it.

March 27, 2002 (approximate): The graduate assistant hears from Curley. He is told that Sandusky's locker room keys are taken away and that the incident has been reported to The Second Mile. The graduate assistant is never questioned by university police and no other entity conducts an investigation until the graduate assistant testifies in Grand Jury in December 2010.

2005-06: Boy known as Victim 1 says that meets Sandusky through The Second Mile at age 11 or 12.

Spring 2007: During the 2007 track season, Sandusky begins spending time with Victim 1 weekly, having him stay overnight at his residence in College Township, Pa.

Spring 2008: Termination of contact with Victim 1 occurs when he is a freshman in a Clinton County high school. After the boy's mother calls the school to report sexual assault, Sandusky is barred from the school district attended by Victim 1 from that day forward and the matter is reported to authorities as mandated by law.

Early 2009: An investigation by the Pennsylvania attorney general begins when a Clinton County, Pa. teen boy tells authorities that Sandusky has inappropriately touched him several times over a four-year period.

September 2010: Sandusky retires from day-to-day involvement with The Second Mile, saying he wants to spend more time with family and handle personal matters.

Nov. 5, 2011: Sandusky is arrested and released on $100,000 bail after being arraigned on 40 criminal counts.

Nov. 7, 2011: Pennsylvania Attorney General Linda Kelly says Paterno is not a target of the investigation into how the school handled the accusations. But she refuses to say the same for university President Graham Spanier. Curley and Schultz, who have stepped down from their positions, surrender on charges that they failed to alert police to complaints against Sandusky.

Nov. 8, 2011: Possible ninth victim of Sandusky contacts state police as calls for ouster of Paterno and Spanier grow in state and beyond. Penn State abruptly cancels Paterno's regular weekly press conference.

Nov. 9, 2011: Paterno and Spanier, one of the nation's longest-serving college presidents, are ousted, effective immediately. Earlier in the day, Paterno announced he'd retire at the end of the season. In the end, he didn't have that choice.}**

This is the most disturbing piece of information.  I can only imagine how many of kids didn't tell anybody what was going on out of fear.  These kids were not protected.  Instead every adult involved in this entire mess protected the predator.  He sexually abused little boys that he was suppose to help to be better men.  And while this was going on, he was allowed to be participate in a charity that kept bringing little boys around him so that he can victimize.  Everyone involved failed these kids in the worst way.

I don't know any of these people but I do know they entertained a man who continued to abuse little boys and they knew exactly what he was and had been doing for years.  They hold as much blame as the Predator because they could have stopped countless children from enduring this life long pain.  These kids trusted this man and the adults in their lives and they were betrayed in the worst way.  On top of being victims of sexual abuse, they now have to live knowing that more people care about the coach, that knew what was going and said nothing, than they care about what happened to forever change the course of their lives. 

The sad thing is we all know someone who is or has been a victim of child sexual abuse and most of us have done nothing to help the kids.  We sit in our homes and say absolutely nothing when we know that abuse is going on against a child.  Instead of saying something to protect the kids, we say nothing and protect these vicious predators.  I am so disgusted by this story but this story is going on in every neighborhood in this country.  If you think you are blameless you couldn't be more wrong.  If you know that adults are having sex with kids and you say nothing, you are a part of the problem of child sexual abuse.  If a child is between the ages of 0-15 years of age they can not legally consent to sex with an adult 17 years or older.  Not only is it a crime, it is also disgusting. 

I know there are plenty of people who will read this and think why I am concerned.  I say to you, these are kids and I have kids.  Kids who will one day become adults and what happens to them as kids will ultimately affect their lives as adults.  My questions to you are...Why are you not concerned? and Are you a part of the problem or will you be the solution?  Saving one child from abuse can save millions.  If you or someone you know is a victim of child sexual abuse please visit www.rainn.org or call 1-800-656-HOPE. You can save the life of a child.

** report by the Associated Press.