The Racism I See

Racism sits and waits to show itself and then claims it is anything but what it is.  As with everything, you cannot deal with or heal anything you refuse to discuss.  For most black people, we know racism does not lurk in the shadows because for us it sits behind desks and decides if we qualify for a job, not based on our experience but based on our names.  And even when our names are not a deterrent our hair may be.  For some black people, they still live in such an oppressed way that they refuse to acknowledge or they don't even notice when racism reveals itself.  When people say "I don't see color", what they are really saying is, I refuse to see you. And in that refusal, they can pass you over for a job, follow you around a store, appropriate your culture, and tell you they are not racist.  Racism shoots unarmed black men and women at a high rate.  Racism inflicts a war on drugs by sending black men to jail for long periods of time for marijuana, and then making marijuana a multi-million dollar business in Colorado for white people as there are not many if any black people who are in the Cannabis business.  Racism is the refusal of politicians to have a real conversation about race in America because they are afraid of losing the white vote.  There are many facets of racism that have little to do with confederate flags.  Racism is not as outspoken as it once was, though it still shows itself in that way.

For me, "I love my blackness and yours" (Deray McKesson), does not mean I hate anybody who isn't black, just as saying Black Lives Matter does not mean other lives don't.  If you believe it does, then by your reasoning saying #FuckCancer means people are saying that AIDS/HIV, heart disease, and diabetes are okay. Put that in perspective for a minute.  Do you see how crazy that sounds?  Racism and hate are taught and learned.  No person is born to hate.  I love who I am as a black woman.  I refuse to downplay who I am to make you comfortable or fit into your box.  Audre Lorde said "If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive." That is how we should live!!! 

Erica R. Campbell

Mother

It is often said that “being a mother is the best job ever!”  It’s weird because I never looked at motherhood as a job.  For me, being a mother has been my life.  No one tells you that you, no matter how hard you try, cease to exist.  You are not told that every single thing you do will change based on your children.  Your name is no longer the name your own mother gave you, it becomes Mommy and, in my case, A’jamaani’s Mom, Jamaal’s Mom and Maachi’s Mom.  You see who you were no longer exists.  At the least, she is in you somewhere as you begin tucking parts of her away to save for a later date.  You no longer do the things you used to do and guess what, that is okay with you.
 

 I have been blessed to know some great mothers in my journey called life.  My own mother is and always has been the best person I know.  I don’t say that often and I didn’t always believe it but as an adult and a mother now, I realize it.  I realize that mom is a person who used to be different until she sacrificed her life for her children.  She didn’t always do what she wanted to do when we were kids.  But what she did was take us to church, coach us in baseball, she went to every sporting event, she disciplined us when necessary and she worked to provide us with a better life.  I didn’t know it then, but my parents were not rich.  You see my mother and father made it seem like we had all of this money.  I mean we ate good food, we had nice clothes, we lived in a nice house and for the most part my siblings and I did what we wanted to do.  I mean we played sports, was in dance, was a majorette, in the band, was in 4-H, Girl Scouts and Brownies we went to AstroWorld and water parks and visited family out of town and mom was there for everything even though she worked outside of our home.  She didn’t complain about everything she’s done for us and she still doesn’t.  Now instead, she comes to her grandchildren’s special events.
 

 I have learned a great deal about being a mother from the women in my life.  My grandmothers have all been the epitome of strength and I believe I get it from them.  I have aunts who did/do things their way, on their terms, just like I do now.  I have best friends who have I can definitely go to for advice although our kids are the same ages.  I have cousins, and wives of cousins who I can watch and get parenting styles from.  I have the women who are friends of my mom, my aunts and the mothers of my friends who I can be a witness to how they have raised their kids.  I do not mimic any of them but what I do is observe them and admire them, love and adore them, look up to them and share stories with them, laugh with them and cry with them, pray with them and talk to them.  So to every mother, whether you birthed a child, adopted a child, or simply came into a child’s life for whatever reason, you are truly a treasure.  You have been placed on this earth for a reason.  You were given the distinct honor of being a mother and with no handbook to follow you have done and are doing the best you can.  It is not a job.  Motherhood is a blessing.  WE are being rewarded for what we do with children who make us great.  We are doing a thankless act every single day.  There is no person alive that could take our place in this world.  We have been chosen by God to be a vessel to tiny humans who we will guide into adult humans.  WE ARE MOTHERS! 

Sexually Free - Adult Content

I AM SEXUALLY FREE!! I have never been shy about talking about sex, in fact, I love talking about it.  I really don't know anyone personally who is as open with their sexuality as me.  I am a relationship woman so my sexual experiences are limited to my sexual partner; however, I will try anything except sharing my man with another person. 

 

Lately I have been listening to Beyoncé's new album and I am not surprised by the sensuality and sexuality of the music because I became more sexual after my first child.  She sings about being an all encompassing woman.  She makes it clear that she is a woman who loves her husband and enjoys their sexual experiences together.  She sings about performing sexual acts with her man in the backseat of the car in her song "Partition".  She reveals the way she feels when she reaches her climatic peak in her song "Rocket".  She mentions being "Drunk in Love" and wondering how the hell did they start their sex session in the bedroom and somehow ended it in the kitchen. 

 

I'm sexually free and if given the opportunity, I would definitely experiment in "Fifty Shades of Grey" type loving.  I want to be submissive but I have this need to be the dominate party of the relationship at least once a month (HAHAHA)!!  I want to put the kids to bed and role play with my man.  I want to entertain my man and get him completely ready for our session.  I want to be fulfilled sexually as many times a day I can fit in.  Being sexually free is necessary for me.  I want to tell my man to "punish me please".  Being sexually free means having a positive outlook on your own sexual experiences.  Talking about sex does not make you a deviant, a whore or a slut.  As a responsible adult, I encourage other adults to have positive sexual experiences and not be afraid or ashamed to have open conversations.    

 

BE SEXUALLY FREE

Unwilling

As I look back over the past year I have learned more than I was willing to know.  At the beginning of this year I was pregnant and miscarried at home shortly after finding out that I would be a mom to another life.  After the miscarriage I gave away all or most of the baby items I had.  I didn't want the reminder of being pregnant and losing a child lingering in the place I called home. I also had time to reflect on my life. What I realized about my life was that I never really lived it.

The reflection of who I am has never really been who I felt I should be. I was beginning to understand that my entire existence was a complete fraud. I had somehow became an unwilling participant in my own life. I remember from the time I was a little girl that I was just a shadow of my older sister. I always tell the story of how my mom dressed me like her until I was in at least 4th grade. My sister is 4 years older than me so there was absolutely no reason for us to dress alike. That, however, was my existence. The shadow of someone better than me.  Even as a grew older I was always called her little sister. And even now when i see people who I haven't seen or spoken to in a while they still ask about her first. For so long I tried to locate the person who I really am. At 11 years old, things for me was worst because I was molested, and managed to keep it a secret for many years. My whole life has been a shell of what I think it should be. 

Everything about my life is a shadow except my children.  I have always wanted children because I wanted to have someone in my life that would love me just for me.  I have never felt loved until I had my kids. I know for some people that will be a shock to know but for me it has been my truth. 

I had always been her little sister. The fat one. The one who is less smart than her. The non athletic one. The one who would never be her. I was always treated like her shadow. I would never catch up to her. Sadly, that's how I'm still treated. Like I said, I became an unwilling participant in this life. Although I am older with my own kids, I have had a chance to reflect on my life. The only thing that makes me happy is the love my kids give my everyday. 

I am constantly judged by those people who claim to love me. I have heard that I'm too fat my entire life. I have heard that my hair needs to look a certain way my entire life. But from my kids, I hear I love you and how I'm the best mom. For me to hear those words from my kids, I have a hard time believing them. Not that I don't believe they love me or think I'm the best mom, it's just they're the only people that tell me.  Having been a shadow since the beginning of my own existence, it's hard to understand that someone, especially my own kids, could actually tell me those words and mean them. Truth be told, my kids have been everything since before they were born. Every kick I felt was like feeling love for the first time.  Still I feel like an unwilling participant in this journey.

As this year ends and I feel the kicks of this new life, I wonder if I'm raising my kids to be shadows.  For me, I don't feel like I am but I'm pretty sure that's the way my parents may have felt. Or maybe not. You see not much has changed between the relationship I have with my sister.  She's the one who still gets all the attention from my parents. She's the one who can seemingly do nothing wrong in the eyes of my family. She's the one who can say whatever she wants and no one goes against her. While I'm still very much her shadow. My experience tells me that in the eyes of my family...she's better. When she's around I cease to exist. Everyone sees her. Everyone wants to talk to her. They wonder where she is when she's not around. I used to think that this was all in my head. I thought maybe I had somehow made the shadow up. But this holiday season I was shocked to learn that my 6 year old daughter felt something too. 

When my 6 year old asked me, out of the blue, why did everybody love her aunt more than they loved her mommy, I didn't know what to say. I mean I have felt this way my entire life but for her to notice it was like receiving a very hard punch to my stomach. She had no idea that I have felt this way but because kids are often smarter and more observant than adults, she noticed. What was more shocking than her noticing was the fact that it was an accurate observation. I asked her what made her ask me that question and she said, without hesitation, no one even ask you how you're feeling and you're sick.  As a mom, I knew that I could not disregard anything she was saying. She even said that her grandmother is always very happy when her aunt comes.  It was weird to listen to my 6 year old give examples about the exact things I have felt my entire life and never told a single person.  After she expressed her concern, it completely opened my eyes. It became real for me. No longer was it a figment of my imagination as I thought it was my whole life. She noticed.  The moment I was alone, I begin to cry. As I cried, I seen my life flash before me. Every emotion I felt was because I had always been the shadow. Now I had to start being me. The crazy part is, I don't know who I am.  I know who I want to be but I have always been the shadow.

I know that my kids are helping me to be that person. I am their mom and they love me. They are not a reflection of each other because I have never compared them to one another.  I always knew I wanted kids and I knew I wanted to raise my kids differently from the way I felt inside my entire life. I feel that I'm doing a great job of that.

I am a person packed with flaws. I am a person filled with doubt and fear. I am a person who is no longer willing to just be a shadow. I also understand that it will take some time for me to become the person I want to be. I know that my kids are unknowingly helping with that everyday.  I don't have people I can easily talk to about what I'm feeling because I know those people are more than willing to judge me. What I do have is kids who will tell me everyday that they love me and that I'm the best mom and now I know that I will believe them.

10 Marriages

Someone very close to me asked me if I knew 10 marriages that I thought were good marriages. As I thought about, I couldn't name 10. I can name 10 marriages that had infidelity. I can name 10 marriages that ended in divorce. I can even name 10 marriages that didn't involve love. The thought of this question is scary to me. I have been in relationship for 8 years but I can't picture marriage in my future. It's not a question about if I want to get married,  I just don't feel it necessary. I asked my grandmother about marriages back in the day and she shocked me with her revelation. She explained that back in the day people didn't actually get married. They lived together and the woman took the man's last name because of the common law marriage. It made sense to me. Back in those days, people were looked down upon for not being married and having kids. That effect trickled down to their kids and now to us. I think when they were telling their kids to be married, they completely left out what marriage means. Marriage is a two people coming together as one. I have never read in the bible that it meant letting a piece of paper dictate that fact. The fact that more marriages end in divorce now more than ever is simply because back then people weren't actually married.

In general, relationships are difficult.  They require hard work and dedication.  They require trust and communication. They require love and happiness.  Marriages are not different.  The only difference is a piece of paper telling you you're married.  We are told at a very early age that we need to get married, have kids and live happily ever after.  The idea that happily ever after can mean being without a marriage is never mentioned.  If people were more honest about marriage they would tell me what my grandmother told me. They would tell me the truth.  The way I feel about marriage is my feelings.  My best friend is married and I'm so happy for her but for me, I am not ready to choose that path. 

If I could talk to my younger self, I would tell me to be who you are destined to be.  Don't try to be who someone tells you to be.  I would say your mom chose her path, your sister will choose her path, your best friend will choose her path and you will choose your path.  It didn't take me long to realize that those paths would be different.  I am happily unmarried, not because someone told me to be but because I chose.  So for now, I don't know 10 marriages that are absolutely good marriages but I do know of some marriages that have stood the test of time through the difficulties, with the hard work and dedication, trust and communication, love and happiness.

I Speak Thoughts

Death by Suspicion

Is it that just being a black man can get you killed in America?  It's hard to argue against it when so many young black men are killed everyday in their own neighborhoods.  What's even harder to argue is that they don't have to be criminals or "bad guys".  They can look suspicious to a Neighborhood Watch Captain and can breath their last breath steps away from their father's fiance's home.  They can be Trayvon Martin.  This latest story has made me think about the future of my son and my nephew.  I think about teaching them right from wrong and telling them to get a great education and how to treat women but it's hard to tell them all this when the truth is because they were born black, they can be killed.  It's a sad reality for the black men and boys of this world.

The line by Omar Epps in the movie Higher Learning makes more sense to me now.  In the movie scene he was saying that he was a threat to the world as a black man whether he was educated or not.  I have been a witness to the racism of this country.  I have seen white women grab their purses a little tighter at the sight of a black man.  I have seen white people walk across the street just to avoid the oncoming of a young black man on a college campus. I have been a car with a white woman who took the scenic route to avoid an entire neighborhood.  If you think racism is not alive and well in this country, it stands to reason that you must live under a rock.  

Trayvon Martin did not have to die for black people to know that racism surrounds us everywhere we go.  It's not in our imaginations.  Racism is apart of our world.  It hasn't changed since the days of slavery. Racism has simply gotten more sophisticated.  Black people are not getting lynched, literally, but we are getting lynched.  Just look at the unemployment rate of black people compared to those of our white counterparts.  The difference is extremely significant.  Now compare the rate to that of black men and you will see the number increase dramatically.  The fact that the President is black has only increased the volume of racism.  It's loud and open and not afraid to spew hate.  When I see cases like Trayvon Martin I can't help but to worry about all the black men and boys that I know.  They are risk of being hunted and killed not for for what they do but simply for what they look like.

It's true that black men are not innocent in the way they are perceived.  Some of them often feed into the stereotype of who they should be and how they should act.  They wear clothes that are too big.  They drive cars that have rims on them that are too big.  They hang on street corners until the wee hours of the morning.  They sell drugs.  They listen to the music in their cars so loud that it often feels like they will crack windows to the homes they drive by.  Some of them do all these the things without caring how they are perceived by the world.  On the other hand, black men are fathers.  They work hard to support their families.  They have corporate jobs and own their own businesses.  They wear suits and ties.  They go to college and receive a degree.  The drive a nice car and live in gated communities.  They go to church and pray to God.  All of the examples have been given does not change one fact, they are black and they are perceived as a threat. 

As a mother, a life partner, a daughter, a sister, a family member and friend to every type of black man, I'm scared.  Scared that one day I will receive the same call that Trayvon Martin's parents received.  The call saying that my child, my life partner, my dad, my brother, my family member or my friend is dead simply because he is black.  It is a fear deep rooted in the black community.  There is not a single white person who fears the same thing.  If you have a chance go the website globalgrind.com and read the article by Michael Skolnik, titled, White People, You Will Never Look Suspicious.  Sometimes we have to speak up for the injustice in the world, not because we are black but because we are people.  Injustice against black men is an injustice to all people.  Speak out against it.  Do something about it.  Bring attention to it. FIGHT AGAINST IT.

I Speak Thoughts

  

Positively Growing

When I was thinking about what I wanted to discuss in this blog, I started thinking about my life and how much I've grown.  I am thinking about writing and learning and growing.  I realized that the very thing I've decided to write about, I've been guilty of doing in the past.  As I started to grow and change I knew that the things I used to do I couldn't do anymore.  For me, I made the decision to not let what people think about me have any negative effects on me.  It's true what has been said, The loudest person in the room is usually the weakest.  The same can be said about the loudest person in a small town or the loudest person in a family.

What I learned through this growth process is that I was that person.  The one who always had a strong opinion.  I was the person who always needed to be right.  I was the loudest person because I was so weak in other aspects of my life.  I'm extremely lucky that I have a best friend who would allow me to have my opinion but also not be afraid to challenge me.  I still manage to get my point across but I have learned that my opinion about any situation is that alone, my opinion.  Growing up and living in a small town everyone has this idea that they know everybody.  Well I don't have that idea anymore.  I know for sure that I really don't know anybody and they have no idea who I really am.  People only know what you tell them and they really don't know if what you say is the truth. 

The really sad thing about life is that people will say any and everything about you.  The will deliver lies to the people who are the loudest thinking that the more people that know than the more truth the lies hold.  We see this everyday in the arena of politics and celebrities.  You read it on Facebook and Twitter.  You hear it grocery stores and at your place of employment.  There will always be someone who will start a rumor and others who will spread that same rumor adding a little bit more to it.  I used to be the person who was a part of spreading the rumor but now I don't even entertain what people say about others.  The truth is if someone starts or spreads a rumor to you, they will most definitely start and spread one about you.  I have been on a journey to be a better person than I was.  I am doing what I can to spread a more positive message about life.  In order for me to be better and more positive, I try not to respond to negativity in any way.  If someone says something about me that I know is not true I don't even respond.  My grandmother told me once, " it's not what people call you, it's what you answer to."  There is so much more power in not responding to negativity.  When I see some people's Facebook statuses talking about people hating on them, I shake my head.  If someone doesn't like my blog post it doesn't offend me.  I know that everything I do is not for everyone to receive.  If you are truly doing something positive and productive in your life there is absolutely no need to broadcast to anyone.  People will notice. 

I understand promoting your talents and your artistry is very important and necessary.  Sometimes you have to put yourself out there but you must always be prepared to hear negative comments about what you are doing.  There are so many people who want to be exactly who you are.  Those people are the loudest people out there.  They are the people who want a response from you.  My advice:  don't give them the satisfaction.  Keep doing what you are doing and your positivity will always outweigh there negativity.  I want to use a few examples to explain what I mean.  I am not the biggest fan of rap but I am a fan of music and the art of music.  There is a rap guy and a rap group in Gueydan by the name of Chance Jolivette (rap guy) and Game Mob Family (the rap group).  They are creating music that I'm not fond of but they are creating the music they love.  I will never say anything negative about it just because I don't like the genre of music.  In fact, I'm willing to listen and give it a chance.  However, there are so many loud people that will only speak negatively about it.  I would say this to these guys and ladies, if you enjoy what you are doing then you better keep doing what you're doing.  You don't have to answer to the negativity just continue on your own journey. 

I have always been a great supporter.  I love to see other people soar and I'm happy when people succeed in life.  For example, my best friend, Brooke is doing great things with her life.  I have always been extremely proud of the person she is.  Her light has always been bright but I never let it overshadow me.  She allowed me to be a part of her support system.  I believe that I am the best supporter in the world.  I love to see other people succeed and fulfill their dreams and believe being their supporter has not stopped me from pursuing my goals.  You can be a person who spreads positivity and succeed in your own life.  You have to be willing to block out the negativity and move forward with who you are meant to be.  I think the people who love me will agree that I'm always happy when they are happy.  This happens when you are truly happy with the person you are.  I know who I am and there is not one person on this earth who can tell me any different.  Like I said, I once was the loudest but even when I was the loudest, I was still happy for the people who did great things with their lives.  The growth has been that I know I no longer have to be the loudest in the room. 

So in conclusion, I think sometimes you have to just be silent because your silence speak volumes.  Stop using Facebook and Twitter to try and shut down the people who spread negativity about you.  You can shut all the negative energy out of your life simply by not feeding into it.  People will always have something to say about you whether it be negative or positive.  The truth is you have to know what you're willing to answer to.  Positive energy attracts positivity.  It works in every aspect of our lives.  If you want to have great friends, you have to be a great friend.  If you want to have a good partner, you have to be a good partner.  But if you want to something great and the only thing you talk about is the worst part of life then you are attracting the same negative energy you are putting out there.  It may take some time and a better understanding of who you are but all good things takes a little time.

I Speak Thoughts